Loved ones series # 2. Should I leave my gambling addicted partner or stay and support them?
Image by arka38 @ shutterstock
In the early days of my career, a wealthy couple in their mid-60s came to see me. The husband had been caught gambling and as the gravity of the damage emerged, it turned out that they would need to move from their large house into a tiny flat. He was not regretting it he said. The money they lived on was his hard-earned money. Now that he had lost it all, they were still status quo to their situation had he not put in those years, he argued. She, on the other hand, was distraught that they would need to downgrade from their lovely large home to a small flat.
I was quite new to doing my job and felt a little intimidated and worried seeing this angry couple that was both oozing with resentment for one another. At no point did either partner show even basic empathy or respect for the other’s stance.
I remember asking them how they expected to come through the situation now that the situation was, after all, what it was.
He said that it would be quite happy for her to make a choice of whether she stays or goes. She said that the only reason she felt as upset as she now did was over losing their home. As far as she was concerned he deserved ‘everything bad that would be coming for him’.
Unsurprisingly I never saw the couple again. I have my doubts they made it as a couple.
For them, gambling may have been the final straw but it is unlikely that they were living their best days together prior to his gambling coming to light…
Whilst the example above is far from the norm (in terms of coldness and lack of love for one another) it still highlights how anger, disappointment and resentment as well as personal values and practical ties all become confused when trying to make a good decision of whether to stay with- or leave a partner who struggles with gambling addiction. Even in the most loving couples, the heat of the moment, the shock and horror of finding out about someone's gambling addiction and the many difficult emotions that arise all make for a difficult situation to base important decisions upon.
Confusion & disbelief
Few things are going to come across as more confusing than watching your gambling-addicted partner tell you with every bit of sincerity that they have quit gambling, only to later the same week or even day start scheming for their next bet. Although a drinking and drug-addicted partner is no walk in the park to deal with, there is nothing quite like watching someone you love ‘soberly’ telling you one thing, only to go straight to do another.
It may feel as though it is done in ‘cold blood’ when really it is important to realise just how part and parcel of the addiction this behaviour really is. Remember, if it was not for the poor control- there would be no issue at all. Easy to forget this part.
In the previous post, we covered some of the guidelines around setting boundaries and knowing where to draw the lines of responsibility. If you did not read the post I recommend reading that post also in order to understand the many difficulties involved with living with a gambling-addicted partner. You can find the post here
In this post, we will address what tends to be the biggest question of them all that people tend to ask themselves when living with a partner who is gambling-addicted:
Should I stay or should I go?
Deciding whether to go or to stay is far from straightforward and certainly not a decision that someone else can take on your behalf.
There are however some pointers that might be useful to help you determine whether you should keep working on the relationship, or simply let it go.
Some of these factors are entirely dependent on YOU and some involve your partner’s motivation to change and willingness to heal the relationship with you.
Some reasons to stay:
You have children together and he/she is willing to address the addiction properly
They are honest with you and sincere in their willingness to stop.
Their efforts to show remorse and wanting to quit are evident in ACTIONS and not just in words. Most people with addictions (be it gambling, drugs or alcohol) would be well-versed in giving a good talk about how able and willing they are to stop. In a moment of great elation and motivation, impulsivity typically runs high. During this time you might see a very keen partner talking excitedly about how they are going to go about getting abstinent. If such talks are followed by NO action, then sadly it is important to take that into account also.
Talk is cheap and people are only going to change if they are actually taking action to change. Do bear in mind, that even if your partner is not seeming able to take any actions, this is not a reflection of his/her love for you, or whether or not they are ‘a good person’ but rather a reflection of being extremely addicted and still not ready to change.
The relationship, gambling aside, is a good one that features values such as love, respect, kindness, support and understanding. You think that he/she would be prepared to do the same for you in a time of emotional crisis, addiction, illness or otherwise.
Communication is working ok and you are able to discuss openly the ramifications of the gambling as well as how it will likely influence the relationship going forward they are willing to accept that the trust has been ruined and that it will require both of you to do some work on restoring it.
Some gamblers I see, and this is often part of the addictive mindset, are full of denial and get both irritated and impatient when they hear that trust will have to be rebuilt slowly. They feel that they have made a commitment to change and hence there is an expectation that the relationship trust will somehow ‘reset’ with this. Sadly, this is never the case and it is important that your partner is sympathetic to doing their part of the work on trying to restore trust in the relationship. This could for example involve declaring their spending, giving more reassurance than normal and just generally being prepared to talk about their problem.
Shared values and goals for the future. Of course, there are loads of couples that make it in life with or without any shared goals and values. What you want to question though, is whether sticking it out with someone who does not share your vision is going to be worthy of the stress you will inevitably be putting yourself through in supporting someone with an addiction. Supporting someone through a problem that you have so very little control over can be enormously stressful at times. If there is no shared vision at the time of starting recovery, you can be pretty certain that the relationship won’t be getting any closer during the process of recovery. In such cases, it would be worth packing the bags now and allowing them to recover without a relationship that they are not invested in, and start the healing process for yourself too.
Reasons when leaving might be better:
You are trying harder than they are for them to quit gambling. You are bending over backwards trying to get them the right help, print information sheets, and introduce in subtle and obvious ways forward in recovery…but to no avail. They are not interested and you find yourself stuck in a ‘hope and disappointment cycle’. Your denial about their willingness to get well is up there with their denial about whether or not they even need recovery in the first place.
Despite the best of efforts, you have watched them lapse one too many times and the effects on your (and any children) are devastating. You want to believe them when they say they are going to make it right, but simultaneously you are noticing that they are actually doing very little to change. They keep money accessible and make very few life adjustments that indicate that they are serious about making changes.
They are still extremely addicted and keep saying they will stop ‘soon’ or when the next big win comes in.
Despite their great attempts at recovery, they are making it clear that a future does not necessarily involve you. They are becoming engrossed in themselves only when it comes to the recovery process and although it can be a process that involves high amounts of attention to self, there is a distinct feeling of dismissal the minute you try to involve yourself in any aspects of recovery.
Your life goals and values are not compatible. They think you should just ‘get over it’ and that it was ‘only money’. They don’t appear to understand the many different levels of destruction caused by their gambling.
There is a lack of empathy or interest in how their situation affects you. They appear to be entirely self-focused in their recovery. I should say, that recovery in some ways is an activity that requires enormous self-focus. The gambler needs to hold themselves accountable through a range of changes to lifestyle and habits, and also will learn to put themselves under the loop to understand their pathology.
That said, you will probably notice if their efforts are done to the exclusion of you as a partner. If this is the sense you get, then you can probably spend your time in better ways than to await their recovery only to get dumped further down the line when they feel better.
The motivation for them to quit is coming from you and not from them. This one does not require much more elaboration. If they are not motivated in themselves, you will be wasting your time while running yourself down in your efforts to convince them.
You feel that you have reached your limits: Ever so often, I come across partners who in many ways have created their own misery. Don’t get angry hearing it- I do understand that your partner’s gambling is their choice and absolutely had nothing to do with you. However- In quite a lot of situations the writing is also on the wall. The gambler is either half-hearted or openly disinterested in recovery.
They may even be telling you in no uncertain terms that they have no intention to quit
Yet the partner keeps complaining that they are ‘wasting their time’ and carrying the full load for their recovery.
Do not forget that in all of this, YOU are entirely responsible for your own well-being. Just like they are ultimately responsible for theirs.
If you feel that you have reached the end of the line in supporting your partner- regardless of where they are on the spectrum of recovery- it is on you to draw your own lines. This sounds harsh and is of course much easier said than done, but is still one of the main points in the recovery process from anything.
In order for two adults to be happy together and healthy for each other in the long term, there needs to be some level of balance in responsibility for making the relationship a good one.
One person cannot do all the labour, and not one person can be the beneficiary of such labour. Either side of that will end up unhappy and lacking in respect.
Last but not least, remember that whatever happens - even a breakup does not need to be done through anger and blame. Gambling addiction is a serious problem and for many loved ones, part of the disbelief actually comes from the inability to fully understand the degree of compulsion involved with the behaviour. It may feel as though they choose to hurt you. Rest assured, this is not the case.
Even if the outcome is that you go your separate ways, it is important not to internalise their unstoppable gambling as a sign of ‘evil’ or ‘lack of love’ for you. Rather, it may have been a sign that they were unable to overcome their addiction at this time and that you have to look after yourself instead of trying to get them to change.