Loved ones’ questions: Is giving an ultimatum to my gambling addicted partner/family member a good idea?

Most of my blog posts have been written directly to those of you struggling with gambling addiction. I have also written a few that are directed more at family and loved ones. Most treatment protocols for gambling addiction acknowledge the role of family and affected others. Still, we only make family intervention a fairly small offering ‘on the side’ of treatment in the UK. In some countries, more notably the Mediterranean ones, the role of the family has a more central position in treatment. Although each individual case is different, I think it is important to realise that gambling addiction (just as much as any other addiction or mental health issue) has widespread effects on the family system.

Mental health problems cause ripples that are felt by everybody in the family and often even further away than that. This is particularly true when it comes to gambling addiction. This is due to the degree of deceit, borrowing of money, occasional stealing and creative storytelling etc., that often is involved in the pursuit of another bet. It is also a result of the potentially devastating consequences to the finances and, of course, the changes in behaviour that the addicted person will display.

 Those that live with addicted people face a pretty rough ride and often find themselves bewildered by the seemingly crazy behaviour of the addicted person. This frequently results in a yearning for information and a voice of reason. I, therefore, think it is important to address some of the tricky issues that loved ones get stuck with.

The risks of getting advice ‘off the street’ when trying to assist an addicted family member

Opening up to a friend, colleague or neighbour about your struggles with a loved one’s addiction can end up getting truly unhelpful! This is not a critique of other people or of your particular community. It is simply a fact that most people struggle to understand gambling addiction and, as a consequence, end up giving some misguided advice on how to deal with the mix of feelings it gives rise to. Below are some typical examples:

‘But c’mon you bailed them out before- that’s enough now. They just don’t respect you- leave them!!’   or 

‘Clearly, they don’t love you very much if they keep doing this to you. They don’t deserve help, they deserve that you leave them behind…’

Or even worse…

‘well… they must have some control since they did not gamble for a month back during the summer…I think it is pretty obvious that they are just doing it deliberately….

On the reverse people might also undermine the actual range of difficulties that the affected other is dealing with, and offer up their compassion and empathy with soothing words such as:

‘oh well, if you think about it- it is only money right?’

or

‘at least you are not living with someone who is on drugs or addicted to alcohol. That would be a real problem. Gambling at least doesn’t involve any substance so therefore they won’t be as affected…’

The above are examples of the bog standard, well-intended pieces of advice that some of the family members will be getting from people when they finally share the pain of what it feels like to be dealing with a loved one who is addicted to gambling (or other addiction I should add with the exception of the last example). Whilst not ill-intended, they often do more harm than good as they completely undermine a) what an addiction is and its complexity, b) the depth and meaning of the relationship with the person and c) the widespread damage of addiction to all parts of the relationship including trust, respect, presence etc.

From the layman’s perspective, it can sometimes seem as though the act of gambling is so ‘evil and intentional’ that all ethics and morals around relationship commitments, love and support are suddenly erased. This illustrates the stigma of addiction in general, and more specifically the difficulty of understanding how a behavioural addiction can be so powerful that it reduces someone’s ability to utilize free will.

Yes, it is hard to support someone who is lying to you. Or to stand by someone who is still the person you know and love sometimes, but other times acts like someone who does not have any empathy at all, and who disregards how you feel about their gambling.   I have covered some of my thoughts on boundaries and limitations in previous blog posts here and here.  In this current post, I wanted to deal with a question that I frequently get asked by loved ones:

Shall I just give them an ultimatum?

This post is for those of you who feel like you are losing your mind while doing more work trying to assist in recovery than the addicted person him/herself.  It is also written for those of you who might have a collaborative addicted gambler in your life, who is committed to getting help but who keeps falling off the wagon. Perhaps they have done all the right things but keep relapsing and falling back into terrible habits of gambling, lying and deceiving. You no longer know what to believe in and you feel as though every single thing they say or do could actually just as well be a lie.  You might have begged, pleaded, nagged, stayed quiet… you have simply tried it all. It feels as though only one option remains… the ultimatum.

 Please note, I am not suggesting that I hold the answers to your questions. Nobody other than you can decide what is best for your circumstances and your particular family member.  Sometimes, it just helps to have some expert input on how to approach the topic, what ways there are to think about it and finally also to hear from a professional perspective what the behaviour that you are witnessing is all about.  So with that lengthy intro, let’s look at today’s question.

will threatening to leave them to make them stop?  

(if you are a parent, the ‘leaving’ might be more about making them homeless or in other ways cutting them off from your support or the relationship).

 One of the very key questions you want to ask yourself is this:

Are you giving this ultimatum because you are genuinely in a place where you are prepared to let go if your loved one chooses not to adhere to the action you are requesting?

Whilst I do meet many family members who are at the end of their tether and need to just move on, what I meet the most are those that are still invested in the relationship but feel as though they cannot carry on unless something changes. The addiction is causing more and more disruption in the relationship and the person that they love is becoming increasingly unrecognizable in terms of behaviour patterns.

If you are in this camp, you may feel as though your desperation, eagerness and intense anxiety about their condition should mean enough to them to make them take steps to quit gambling and seek out some help. Instead, they continue to go against every piece of advice or preference you ever expressed. Meanwhile, they continue to profess their love and dedication to the relationship. Empty promises are now the norm and you are left feeling confused and stressed.

The dangers of speaking in anger and when feeling desperate

You might feel the occasional glimpse of hope at times when their mood is pleasant or seems more present. Later you find out it was because they were out of money and could not gamble, or that they were on a winning streak. You return to the sinking feeling of witnessing their actions continue. Your desperation creeps up and Bam... you throw them an ultimatum.  ‘If you don’t quit I will leave’   Or make you homeless. Or take the kids away.  Whatever can get their attention and scare them into compliance might just work, you think.  You get their attention; they appear to listen for a bit. ‘It worked!’ you think to yourself. A few days later things are back to square one. What do you do?

Here is where things get tricky. I have seen plenty of people who were certain they were going to leave. They meant it at the time of issuing the threat. The behaviours of the gambler, leading up to this point, might have crossed an important boundary or might even have been what had previously been considered a ‘dealbreaker’. Yet, when they find themselves in the middle of this situation- pulling through with the action is much harder than it is to threaten it.  Even at times when the ultimatum came about for the most understandable and legit reasons!

When the time for execution rolls around, people frequently find themselves caught up in guilt and pity and as a result end up second-guessing their decision.

Why? Because the person you love and care for is there hiding somewhere underneath the addiction. They may be unreasonable and outrageous in their actions, yet, at other times you can see that they too are suffering. That they want to be better for you and for themselves and that they have lost their way.  You start thinking about what kind of an awful person you would feel like to leave someone who is a good person underneath it all. Or how guilty you would feel to leave someone with a mental health condition. ‘Isn’t that like kicking someone who is already down…’ you think to yourself.

AT the end of the day; Leaving somebody, not for who they are, but for whom they have become under the influence of addiction is really difficult!!!

And with that, you decide that you cannot go through with it.  It would be too big a step and/or you feel like you will buckle sooner or later regardless. You decide to override the ultimatum and tell them that they can stay but ‘better know that if it happens again you might just go’.  On it goes.  The next time happens, and the cycle repeats itself. The writing is on the wall – nothing is going to change, and you are quite likely enabling their behaviour at least a tiny bit.  Before you know it, you are yet again entertaining the thought of giving them an ultimatum.  And this is why ultimatums are rarely a great idea.

When ultimatums will not work..

#When giving ultimatums has become a bit of a regular occurrence. you feel like the sweet aftermaths are so powerful for you that you almost feel compelled to threaten to leave now and then just to see if they can pull some more time in recovery out of the hat

# when you are actually not willing to leave at all but you are hoping that by threatening a severe consequence, the other person will feel frightened enough of the prospects you are threatening and get an impetus to change for the long term. after all, you know that they don’t want to lose you.

#When you already know that you cannot stand by and watch another lapse or more setbacks, regardless of whether they manage to quit or not. at this point, it is better to walk away than to try to make them the cause of it. you will not be helped at all by being able to ‘blame’ them for needing to leave even if their actions might have ‘killed’ the relationship.

#WHEN THE PERSON’S ADDICTION IS SO SEVERE THAT EVEN IF THEY WERE TO CHOOSE YOU- THEY ARE STILL NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO STICK WITH THE PROMISE OF NOT GAMBLING. AND CHANCES ARE THEY KNOW THIS ALREADY.

In summary; when the motive behind your ultimatum is not sincere and authentic to YOU, it is highly likely that the outcome of your threats will not materialise. This may sound strange and you might wonder ‘but how would they know if I am serious in my threats or not…’.  Well, they will. It may not be what comes out of your mouth, but some things are felt energetically and intuitively. I would argue that this is one such situation.  They will know you well enough to read the cues of someone who is ‘just talk’ vs someone who is prepared to act.  It does not make them psychopathic or manipulative- it is just as much human nature as any other behavioural interplays you would observe between partners in a relationship or parents with their children.  Actions do speak louder than words. In fact, when people are prepared to action something, they often don’t need to say an awful lot since their decision is no longer depending on someone else’s validation.

What to think about if you are still tempted to issue an ultimatum….

If you have sincerely reached the end of your tether and you feel as though you cannot cope with their issues anymore, you might be thinking that giving them an ultimatum will at least give them ‘that final warning’ that could make them stop before it is too late.

Even here, I must warn you about something. You are dealing with addiction and the sad reality is that even the most invested ‘recoverees’ are likely to face a setback or possibly also a lapse from time to time.  You would want to consider whether the idea of sticking by the person for this ride is truly something you could cope with (even if you choose to stay because they promise under pressure that they will work on themselves.)

If you choose to stay, you will need to be prepared for the journey ahead! I find that many people when using ultimatums are just hoping for the temporary relief that some soothing words can provide. The promise of a smooth recovery or the hope that a promise of recovery can convey. Yes, there is of course an underlying wish that they would stop gambling- and that desire is genuine. But by the time the ultimatums surface, it is often because that hope has been shattered one too many times and only some promising words from the gambler seem able to provide a ‘fix’ for the desperate feeling.

When push comes to shove, the reality of addiction recovery can be quite up and down even when the addicted person is fully determined to enter recovery.  I am not saying these words to dissuade anybody from sticking it out. In fact, I tend to be on the very traditional side when it comes to keeping family together and would typically recommend trying everything to do so before walking away. As long as doing so is not causing harm and destruction to anybody of course.

You want to avoid entering a ‘lose-lose’ situation where you fool yourself to think you can stay and help, and possibly also prolong the inevitable pain that will arise when you realise that you have to put your own well-being first.

It is impossible for any outsider to tell you when the time to fold has arrived. I would suggest you tune in with your instincts, and your prior observation of your gambling addicted loved one and also really look at their actions to assess whether they are genuinely making efforts to recover from their addiction.

But is there any time when ultimatums do the job?

In my experience, the times when other peoples’ threats to leave become a culprit for change, rarely have anything to do with the actual ultimatum- certainly not one that has been verbalised. I can tell you honestly that I have never heard any client come in and say ‘I am here and want to work on myself wholeheartedly. Before I didn’t want to face my addiction problem, but when my partner said they will leave me if I don’t then I suddenly became fully motivated to quit’   .

The following, on the other hand, is something I have heard a number of times:

‘ I am not really ready to take this step, but I can sense that if I don’t do it I am about to lose my husband/wife/child…. therefore I am prepared to give it a shot. I want to do it for them’.

Note the difference. It may look subtle but from their viewpoint and perception, the difference lies in how authentic and sincere you actually are in your own intentions. Something that connects directly your ability to be truthful with yourself and the limits of your tolerance. Irrespective of what other people do or don’t do to appease such expectations. If you are feeling that you are ready to leave then you may as well stop the ‘warnings’ and go straight to the action. Yes, you may still hope that this could act as a catalyst for change- but please do not bank on it. If it does then it will happen organically and naturally. You issuing multiple warnings for what will happen if no change is achieved is not going to amount to any meaningful changes on their part.

So what should I do instead? get clear on what you want, what you can tolerate and at what point you would need to walk away.

The idea of an ultimatum is usually based on the idea that the person on the receiving end is fully in control of their behaviour and simply needs to re-prioritise. If only addiction was that simple! Although I am not trying to make excuses for your addicted loved one, it is important to recognise that the loss of control over one’s behaviour is the very essence of addiction.

Even if your gambling addicted loved one is a good person, their motivation to be the person they want to be with you is in direct conflict with their addictive urge. Yes, that sounds terrible since we also know they probably also would like to be free of their addiction on some level. For now, just remember that this is the very nature of addiction and has nothing to do with their love or respect for you. Addiction causes distortions to thoughts as well as to the priorities and values of those suffering from them. These distortions can be so prominent that they can shield the authentic self. Until the day when they realise that this is happening, they will be pretty immune to other peoples’ efforts to shine a light for them.

Hearing all of this might feel a little tough. It is easier to think about how other peoples’ changes would improve a situation than it is to take personal accountability. Not acknowledging any denial or deluded thinking you might find yourself guilty of will however take you further away from a solution.

Taking ownership of your own limits, boundaries and degree of preparedness to stay put and support them in recovery, puts you back in the seat of control over your own happiness.  I am not dismissing the fact that making the decisions will still be difficult. But it will be a lot easier when you get clear within yourself on what can happen, what is likely to happen and what is not at all likely to happen.

People are far more likely to cope with reality – no matter how bitter it may appear- when we see clearly what we are dealing with. Ultimatums are frequently rooted in desperation for a reality that is not aligned with the one you are in. 

Hopefully, this can shed some light on some of your very difficult situations out there.

 With all my love,

 Annika