Gambling addiction recovery: The haunting aspects of the holiday seasons & what you can do to help yourself
As nice as the festive season is for some people, it is rare that clients of mine are entirely unchallenged by it. Certainly, in the field of addiction, you will typically find that it brings with it a host of difficulties. Memories- good and bad (which can hurt either way), sentimentality, losses, breakups, temptations for gambling/drugs/alcohol, family dysfunctions and disagreements and all of the emotional triggers that this provides. For gamblers, it also brings the additional challenge of needing more money than usual.
Last but not least there is also loneliness. Being aware that your addiction has resulted in people you love turning their back on you is a tough pill to swallow. Loneliness is hard at any point but hurts even more at a time when the rest of the world is seemingly having a jolly time and society comes to a standstill. The situation provides the perfect storm that will make even the most resilient of recoverees want to seek oblivion. Something that can easily manifest as a return to gambling.
I wanted to publish a post today ahead of these next difficult days and encourage those of you who are struggling to seek connection in alternative ways this year and stop the process of returning to the activity that has hurt your life more than anything else ever has.
The conditioned effect of Christmas is what makes the pain greater - it is ok to drop the baggage and let go of expectations
Our brains are conditioned through our experiences. Conditioning plays a central role in both the development and recovery from addiction. For those of you who don’t understand the concept of conditioning, I am referring to the process by which our brain learns to associate certain stimuli with particular responses. As can be imagined, plenty of conditioning underlies addiction (for example learning that when you walk past a bookmaker- you crave a bet, or when money enters the bank account- your thoughts automatically start scheming about how to ‘make it more’). But conditioning is not a concept that only relates to addiction of course. We all have our fair share of conditioning - much of which serves us well and helps us not have to relearn every single thing about situations that we face repeatedly. When it comes to the conditioning that people often have regarding Christmas, birthdays etc - the associations that flood peoples’ minds are frequently those of ‘shoulds’ ‘musts’ and expectations of things being in a particular way - or else it is ‘wrong’. Ideas of happy-clappy times with family and friends as well as droves of presents and delicious food are hardly helpful if indeed you this year have no money, nobody to celebrate with and in fact, nothing to celebrate at all. So what do we do? Rather than being stuck in a fixed mindset- it can help to loosen the rigid frame of your perspective.
Try to recognise that your brain does not care what day of the year it is. You are free to make new choices, create new routines and at least for now, let go of any of those old musts or shoulds. Just do what makes sense this year and allow yourself to put down any baggage you may hold about it!
Here are some things you can try right now instead
Get busy. Doing something is going to be better than doing nothing as it will invite the ruminative brain to get the better of you. Create a project. Do something creative. Head over to a soup kitchen or a Gamblers Anonymous meeting online or in person. Pet your dogs. Watch some old movies. Try to detach from the feelings by reminding yourself that these are tough times but there are a limited number of days of the year that feel THIS heavy. Then it gets better.
The sun shines again, people leave their homes again and you are yet again not going to feel like the only person in the world going through this feeling. Remember the holiday seasons are made-up concepts and although that sounds like making an ‘excuse’, there is no difference for our brain because it happens to be Christmas just because society made it a thing that we celebrate. Whilst this might sound like a radical way to think about it, I find that it can bring relief to recall that they have the power to choose what they do with a day like this. For you – this can be clear-out the wardrobe day or the day when you decide to repaint a room. Do not let your conditioning get in the way of living as though it is a day like any other.
The longing for connection
Many years ago a bright but heavily cocaine-addicted client of mine came to see me just before Christmas. He had printed an article with a few lines inside of it that he had highlighted.
The line was taken from a TED talk by Johann Hari and read:
‘The opposite to addiction is not sobriety – the opposite of addiction is connection’ (Johann Hari)
He teared up as he handed me the note and said that it resonated with him on so many levels. He had just realised that the one thing he always wanted was deep connection, and paradoxically his addiction had been the one thing that gave him an illusion of having it. But paradoxically also the very thing that had taken away every possibility of getting close to people. Indeed, he had lost many of his nearest and dearest by the time he finally realised he had to stop.
Whilst the idea of connection being the opposite of addiction does not necessarily imply that all that one has to do if addicted is to get out there and connect- there is no doubt that connection helps alleviate some of the extreme and highly triggering feelings of isolation that otherwise can act as a ticking bomb for people who are in recovery. With company, support and community around us- we feel stronger and often more equipped to face difficulties. The good news is that there are free resources and help out there. Gamblers Anonymous and all the other fellowships are options and there are many others.
Rethinking the idea of connection
We think of connection as involving those who are ‘assigned’ to us as family, friends, partners etc. Connection is much bigger than this and the more we think about it as something that does not necessarily have to involve other people – the more options for connection becomes available to us!
For example, one of the motivators behind the blog is to connect. I was craving the ability to reach out to the larger community of gamblers I knew was out there struggling and having a SHARED experience of isolation. Each and one thinks that their emotional pain and shame are specific to them. One of the many things I thank my job for is the fact that you are reminded daily that nobody is ever alone. Tapping into the universal aspects of our experience of being human is a very powerful way of connecting. As Carl Rogers (a very famous Psychotherapist who has passed away since long) said:
‘What is the most personal is the most universal’ (Carl Rogers)
What connects us as humans is always there for us since it is our innate ability and choice to be part of the oneness of the universe. We can notice people around us, we are allowed to give a smile to a random stranger or to decide to treat ourselves like a person of high value. During COVID-19 and its many lockdowns, I noticed how people would suddenly say hello in the street although they had been looking through you in the high street for the last 20 years. Why? Because we had a shared experience of crisis. Yes, holidays can be connecting- but so can any experience. Find your little tribe that will understand what you are going through and until that happens- you just focus on connecting with yourself and learn to treat yourself with respect, love and care.
Loneliness may feel like a consequence of being broke- but the richness of life has nothing to do with money
Our experience takes place in different contexts, over different continents and there are many factors involved in providing some people with more fortunate starting foundations. Yet, we also know that some of those who have the least access to means in this world are masters of building community and focusing on connections. This is an important reminder for those who have struggled with gambling addiction.
We do not need to be rich financially to create a rich life for ourselves!
We do however need to believe in ourselves and that we are worthy of a decent life. This matters internally- and therefore also matters externally when we relate to others. It will shape how you relate, what standards you hold for yourself and how you set your boundaries.
In the next few days try some of the following activities if you have nobody to connect with:
Go for a nature walk
Did you read the book “The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate—Discoveries from a Secret World” ( a non-fiction book by Peter Wohlleben)? It is fascinating!! Trees are quite social and can communicate with one another. Not suggesting that you attempt to talk to the trees, but my point is- that life comes in many forms. We can connect to nature in a way we are intended to do- and get a lot from it!! Connecting to nature is satisfying, and clarifying and can also provide you with the stimulus that keeps your mind in the present moment instead of in your head.
Start a pre-occupying project
Sort papers, go through old clothes, put things in charity bags. Clean and declutter. Although it can be tedious, a lot of satisfaction can be derived from ridding ourselves of things we no longer need and donating what we don’t need to other people in need.
Do something creative
Start a drawing, or writing, attempt to make a cartoon, or try some carpentry. Do whatever comes to mind that you have the gear for at home and get into it.
Listen to music
Music can help soothe the soul and can genuinely put you in a different mind-state (provided you choose a piece of music that reflects the mindset you would like to find yourself in). If you are in the mood you may also wish to move to the music.
Put on some comedy
Sometimes when I’ve watched stand-up comedy I feel like I completely lose the concept of time and space. A good laugh, even if it is just a method of papering over the pain right now, can make us feel joyful and at ease. It is also a handy reminder that not everything in life has to be so serious. I am not trying to be flippant about your challenges or your broken relationships- but the reality is that none of those will be made better by allocating energy to heavy rumination and staying in a state of endless dwelling. At a time when you cannot take action - you may as well find a fun distraction!
Thoughts are thoughts - not facts
Your thoughts might tempt you to return to a loop where it makes constant comparisons with ‘everyone else’ who in your mind is guaranteed to be having a great time, connecting with loved ones and so on. Please recognise that your thoughts are not facts and that you do have control over where you fixate your attention today just like any other day of the year. Taking charge and choosing your focus is empowering and will shortly start changing your feelings too. Stay present-focused!
You are not your gambling. You are a human being with a right to be upset but with the choice to create your future. I believe in you. If you believe in yourself too, you already have two people that are behind you and your recovery. That’s a good start…
All my love and thank you for all your support, emails, and comments on my blog this year. It is a living proof of the power of connection.