Gambling addiction recovery: How do I stop thinking of money all the time?
Money is a trigger for gambling whether you have it or lack it
When I have money all I want to do is gamble. When I don't have any money, I can’t stop thinking about how I can get some money….. and then gambling often pops up in my mind as a way to get some quickly…. I am doomed either way!
As addicted gamblers, the relationship with money tends to become pretty tricky. When money is available- the urge to gamble increases. Not only does the access to funds make gambling feel more readily available but it also tends to lead people down a fantasy pathway where they fantasize about how to make the money ‘grow’ via gambling.
It could seem natural to conclude that, therefore, having no money is the ultimate solution to curb the addiction, but this is sadly not the case.
Having no money at all frequently becomes a driver for addicted gamblers to return for another bet. Whilst this cannot realistically happen as long as there are no funds available, many gamblers start enjoying a bit of excitement that can arise when they start plotting for a bet they can make when the next lot of money enters the account. This type of situation often creates so much of a ‘headrush’ in anticipation of the incoming money, that the gambler’s motivation to stop themselves from betting plummets to a zero.
Living in a state of financial deprivation is tough and gambling during these circumstances often starts playing right into the hands of ‘hope’ for a better future. By placing a bet it can feel like opening up the possibility of a life-changing win. It also feels a lot easier to justify risking available funds when those don’t amount to any meaningful amounts anyway. Even if this type of reasoning becomes defunct when you assess it based on long-term consequences- it can appear to make sense in that particular moment.
The thinking goes: ‘What’s the harm in gambling with the little I have when what I have is not going to get me through the week anyway? I may as well try my luck….. ‘
People feel prepared to risk the little they have in the hope that it could create a material shift in their circumstances. In this way, gamblers can keep themselves stuck and in a state of hopelessness. It is not uncommon to see clients in limbo for years on end while continuing to believe that the problem will be sorted ‘once they break even’.
It is worth remembering that all addictions provide short-term gratification while entirely neglecting the long-term happiness and wellness of the individual! To move away from this pattern, it requires you to consciously disallow the short-term payoffs from driving your behaviour! You have to make a choice based on your long-term happiness and wellbeing even when that feels counterintuitive in the moment…
To understand better how short-term processing & a fixation on finances can end up polluting your recovery, I thought I’d share a few examples of common traps:
Overwork and no room for balance or rewards: ‘ I will work as much as I can and live cheaply. If I just slog it for a while now and pay everything back then it will all be fine and I can start living as normal again…’ While this can appear to make sense, it completely ignores the fact that overwork, burnout and the absence of alternative rewards are all drivers of gambling. Without acknowledging that these needs are perfectly valid and need to be met, there is a high risk that you end up working extremely hard- only to end up blowing it all on gambling at some point where your urge to ‘live a little’ becomes too strong. When that happens, you have basically been working for free!
Continued intermittent gambling ‘I will try to win now and then as it would be so much faster than having to do all this long-term work….I mean there was that one time when I had a win and did manage to pay off a loan…’ This type of analysis focuses solely on that ‘one time’ when you managed to hold on to funds for a little while. It fails to incorporate the wider time frame and the fact that you would not still be struggling with your finances if gambling had proven a fruitful activity for you.
Not doing anything at all. ‘I’d better not have a job or income because if I did, I would gamble and I don’t think I can cope with the pain of more losses….It seems safer for me not to have any money. ‘ In this situation, the understandably negative memory of how badly money has been managed now dictates future decision-making and ensures that the future will feel bleak from a financial perspective. There is also a mixup between having money and having access to money that is important to straighten out. I will discuss this below.
Your addiction is not going to resolve itself with a repayment plan! Your money problems and your gambling addiction may have a cause-and-effect relationship (in both directions) but at this point, they are also two separate problems
One big mistake many addicted gamblers are guilty of is believing that their addiction is a problem of financial deficit. By doing so, they can tell themselves that the gambling problem will only be an issue so long as the accounts are on minus. As I am sure many of you will realise when you take stock of past actions- this is not the truth.
You got yourself into the position, not by accident, but by feeling unable to stop chasing losses and by gambling in response to situations when other coping skills would have done a better job. Do not blame yourself for this. You did not order in your addiction deliberately- but you owe it to yourself to see it for what it is- an addiction! Which by definition features a loss of control over a behaviour. Losing control is an emotional experience that can gain its output in a variety of different contexts. Sadly, in the case of addictions, it is not a process that you can reverse. Once that control is lost, you will need to recognize that gambling for you is no longer going to end well.
As long as this truth is ignored, the thinking goes ‘When I win enough to repay my debts – I will stop’. I don’t want to sound dismissive or like a ‘know-it-all’, but let me tell you this; I have seen gamblers in therapy since 2004 and not once has this ‘strategy’ actually worked out for anybody. Yes, I have occasionally seen people who won and repaid a little debt or bought a treasured item for money they would not otherwise have had that day. Only to then return to gambling to incur more losses and sometimes realise that they are now out more money than before since they felt temporarily ‘rich’ and thought they could afford to splash a bit. More importantly, remember that if gambling had not been part of your life, chances are your financial situation would have been better than it is now. In a nutshell, from whatever viewpoint we choose to look at it - gambling is not improving things for you.
Learn to differentiate between money access and having money
In therapy with gamblers, I always recommend having access to a minimal amount of funds at any one time. (Something that often comes with a myriad of counter-arguments.) This strategy can take time to set up and often means having other people or financial institutions involved in overseeing personal finances as a way of increasing accountability and control.
Having less access to money has nothing to do with being broke, being financially illiterate or being a financial ‘infant’. Think of having less access to your money as a way towards freedom from your addiction and an opportunity to spend your time thinking of things other than money!!
During my career, I have not seen anyone (including gamblers, non-gamblers and even billionaires) claim that it was thanks to thinking so about money that their lives were good ones. People usually feel the best when they have freedom! For some people, having freedom will cost more money than for others but one thing is for certain – it will cost a lot more to gain freedom if you yearn too hard for financial extravaganza. And it will still be unlikely to make your life that much better or create more moments of joy. Yes, I agree that having enough money creates more freedom and choice but there is more to the story than just the bank balance.
Although you can beg to differ, in my view, a life well lived is unrelated to the exact amount of money sitting in the account. Having one’s basic needs met makes a definite difference to the quality of life. Beyond that point, there appears to be no direct relationship between money and degrees of happiness! Not as far as I can see anyway. At some point, it almost seems to be that the correlation, if any, becomes an inverse one. The more excess, the more problems. And I am not saying this to convince you to aim low. By all means, aim for wealth if you want to – but do know it will not automatically create a good life. More importantly, it is not something that will end your gambling addiction without addressing it. For a person with a gambling addiction, it is perfectly possible to also generate money. I have seen this happen many times. The key, however, is to not have direct access to the type of amounts that would trigger you to go off and bet. This strategy should be maintained for life so it is worth putting plenty of thought into this.
Creating a fool-proof plan for how to manage money that enables you to feel safe
Having no plan at all for how money will be repaid to those you took or borrowed from will definitely lead to stress, avoidance and a feeling of pressure. You cannot live freely so long as you are thinking of gambling as a possibility for sorting out your financial mess. Nor can you feel free if you spend all of your mental bandwidth ruminating about what you lost or fantasizing about what you could win. You will be stuck in a conundrum that frequently leads gamblers right back to where they started.
When you are financially safe- you can afford to put your attention to the rest of your life and what is happening in the present moment!!
What should your financial plan involve:
#A brutally honest summary of your loans, debts and outgoings
And while you're in the mode of honesty, also make sure to create a reality-based list of your weekly and monthly outgoings. For some people, there also needs to be a daily plan.
#A structured plan for how and when you are repaying debts and loans.
Any incoming money should be accounted for already before hits the account. Whether this means the money will go straight to debt repayments or immediately paid into an ISA or locked savings will vary depending on individual circumstances and stage of recovery. Some of this might be glaringly obvious but in case it is not- make sure you also have an accurate sense of priority in terms of repayments. If you for example owe money to your Mum and also to loan sharks and your Mum is prepared to be patient – then make sure that you first repay the loan sharks. Due to the amount of impulsivity, emotionality and guilt felt by many addicted gamblers, the decision-making around repayments tends to get complicated.
I have seen many people prioritise loans they hold to loved ones due to personal guilt feelings, even when the loved one has said that they are not in a rush to get the money back. Whilst this is understandable and, in many ways, commendable, remember you want to take an objective approach to repayments. We need to let practicality and realism take the lead and ensure that the plan is as sensible as possible.
#Outgoings cannot be more than what is coming in – time to end your wishful thinking!
Things are going to be tight financially and this is a reality. What you can do to help yourself is to simplify your existence as much as possible. With a good idea of what your outgoings are, you will need to ensure that there is enough to cover them plus ideally a small amount to spare so that you can enjoy yourself a little bit here and there. Nothing fancy, but perhaps enough for a meal out and an activity now and then.
If you have summed up your outgoings you realise that you will not be able to afford housing or food, you will, unfortunately, need to address your debts properly via some form of formal debt management intervention. This can involve personal bankruptcy or IVAs (Individual Voluntary Arrangement). Whatever deficit you are dealing with will have to be addressed- as gambling must no longer be seen as an option. The key message here is that your plan HAS GOT TO WORK!! It will probably mean things will be less than ideal but it has to be plausible. Many gamblers have got themselves used to a life of wishful thinking, where fantasy-based financial decisions and living off of money that is not yet in the bank dominate. This kind of reasoning has now got to end so that you can begin living in the real world. Yes, this will not feel uplifting in the beginning at all but is the only way to conquer this addiction.
#Automate!!! I cannot recommend this step enough. As someone who was never a gambler but can confess to having been crap with money – I can vouch personally for this strategy. The more automated outgoings are, the easier it is to manage them and the more ‘force’ there is knowing that those payments will leave the account whether you like it or not.
Whilst this can of course create stress, remember you are in control of setting it all up and must ensure that you set it up in a way that realistically will be affordable. The money that does not belong to you needs to never be in your possession. Tax money, debt money, necessary bill payments etc are perfect examples of transactions that should not be saved for a moment when you think you will sit down and manually transfer.
Say goodbye to your money ruminations!
As a gambler, you will naturally have spent inordinate amounts of time on the following activities:
· Dwelling on losses
· Mentally scheming for how to chase after your losses and wins and trying to make count in your head of how you are going to afford x, y, z.
Berating yourself over your financial status and fantasize about how to make money quickly.
Obsessing about how you can get rich or at least get even +
Fantasizing about what other people have and simultaneously getting quite down about the fact that you have gambled and therefore don’t have those things
Wondering about how much better life would be ‘if only’ you still had those amounts in the bank
For any of the above themes (or any other money-related obsessional thinking), my best piece of advise is: LET IT GO!!! It goes without saying that we cannot reverse the past. You are also not heightening your chances of becoming wealthy by having your head stuck in a money-counting exercise at any given moment.
What can I think about instead?
Your mind will dwell in the areas that we feed it frequently. You will be surprised to see how much control you have over your mind once you convince yourself that thinking of money has brought nothing but pain to your life. If you are struggling with other topics to think about – try to manufacture a few themes in advance. Here are some good ideas:
How to engage better with your family/loved ones
Activities that you enjoy and wish to try out (starting with those that don’t cost money)
How to get your body in good shape
What new skills could help you live life better with less money
Figuring out which activities you might find enjoyable and heartwarming – and how to pursue them again
Creative interests
Above all - Stay in the present!! The present is where our lives are lived. If you notice that not much is happening there, you might wish to increase your activity levels a bit so that there is more motivation to be present-focused.
Getting well financially and emotionally means ditching these thought patterns and applying your energy to the present moment, action taking and to living life in the best way you can consider your current circumstances. I am not saying that this is an easy task to do, but I hope it can help to hear that this is both possible and within your control. Just because you have losses, an addiction and have created damage to your life, does not mean you are a write-off or are any less deserving of a good life. You too can have a good life but first, you have to accept that having a good life is a goal best separated from a life with constant access to money.
If you are new to recovery or need a reset, do check out my book ‘The Gambling Addiction Recovery Journal’ which is available as printout/pdf or paperback (UK). Aside from featuring plenty of therapeutic worksheets, thinking exercises and CBT techniques it also has weekly logs, habit trackers, daily logs and financial planning sheets. Everything you need to get your recovery off the ground in an organised way! Go to shop
With love, Annika X