Gambling addiction recovery: Making a sensible decision to quit when all your thoughts are distorted
Jenni’s story
Jenni had been gambling on the markets for the last 5 years. While she had come to the realisation that her gambling patterns were unhealthy, she still struggled to see the degree of damage that her gambling was creating. Her marital discord, the recent negative appraisal at work and the challenges with her teenage children were presenting a whole host of life issues for which gambling had become a handy escape.
Even if not everything could be blamed on gambling, it was easy to see (from my privileged position as her therapist) that her preoccupation with winning back the money and her incessant drive to check markets had led her to become very ‘in her head’ and increasingly anxious and agitated. Something that was not helping anybody in the family.
Her anxiety was also counterproductive for her sleep. Rather than waking up fresh and focused, she would frequently leave just half an hour to get into the office. As a result, poor focus and sleepiness would impact her performance during the working day. Since nobody knew of her problems with gambling, her family had mainly expressed frustration at her seeming disinterest in them, and her absentmindedness. They were concerned about her high stress levels and they all agreed she did not seem to be her old happy self anymore.
‘Well, who wouldn’t feel a bit burnt out after all these years of managing the family’ Jenni thought to herself. Jenni had previously had a bit of a drinking problem. Having quit this habit after her family intervened, she felt justified in having ‘at least something’ to help her relax in the evenings.
So she continued to spend most evenings in front of her laptop pretending to be catching up on work that was falling behind. Nobody could see her increasing compulsion and desperation. If she quit now, the recent gambling history would need to be revealed or else she would not be able to manage her part of the family’s outgoings. She could not risk her teenagers’ important tuition payments but, equally, could not bear the thought of coming clean about her gambling. ‘Just another month and I’ll make sure to get back what I lost’ she thought as she placed another couple of desperate positions on… She was feeling trapped and hopeless. No matter which way she took it at this point, it would be tough times to come…..
Is there a better time to quit?
Jenni’s story illustrates well the challenging conundrum most addicted gamblers find themselves stuck in. One part of the brain (the logical one) is desperate to stop, yet the (more emotional) part is increasingly desperate to continue. Not because gambling is bringing joy, but because it feels ‘necessary’. The short-term emotional payoff largely goes unnoticed as there is no longer talk of any celebratory feelings. Gambling can now mainly offer temporary relief and an illusory end to the chaos that it is responsible for creating. Seen through the lens of emotional desperation, it can even temporarily appear logical to keep going until the losses are repaid, or the damage has been somehow been ‘neutralised’. Many gamblers continue to gamble quite happily while being fully aware that they need to stop. In the mind of an addicted gambler, the timing of quitting needs to be ‘right’ not just from the perspective of recouping losses, but also in terms of motivation. The thoughts in the head are distorted and are only pulling in one direction. To find yet another excuse not to quit. These thoughts clutter the mind and shield any reality that might be hovering in the background.
Gambling itself is so toxic at this point that any taste of it will continue to poison the mind with yet another bout of excuses for why it is better to continue. To keep gambling until the motivation to stop arises is about as logical as an alcoholic who decides to keep drinking whilst hoping it will help them sober up.
‘You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking’ (quote by Bill Wilson, Alcoholics Anonymous)
The act of quitting rests on your decision to make it happen. This decision needs to happen despite the mind still being busy generating all these arguments for why it makes sense to keep going. Taking this step is hard but not impossible. By relying on dry logic, past gambling performance and an honest review of how well it has served you so far, you can make this decision today.
Past (gambling) behaviour can reliably predict future behaviours
Deciding to quit gambling does not require any further research from your end (presuming you are not reading my blog for the sheer joy of it) - your data points so far will give you all the information you need to make an accurate prediction of what the future will look like. Without seeing a medium, a psychologist or any internal second-guessing! At the very most, you might need to dig out some old bank statements, open a few bank apps or simply sum up where your recent earnings have ended up.
I have previously been banging on about what I call your gambling ‘track record’ which is nothing more fancy than the historical trends of your gambling. This includes any wins, losses and deposits. It will not be fun to look at, but it will be important as it constitutes a truthful, objective measure of how your gambling is affecting you financially.
Although the financial damage is only one part of the negative consequences caused by your addiction, it is an area where self-delusion runs high and beliefs around how likely one is to stop if only a win comes in are extremely common. Whilst you will not be able to infer from this diagram alone how many negative consequences your gambling has caused across other life domains, the slippery slope that is your financial transactions should at least give you a measure of how out of control your gambling has become.
Your previous interactions with gambling will not lie….
Facing this data is painful and will frequently fuel denial in addicted gamblers. Like the feeling of opening your bank account after an extended holiday, you will feel inclined to dig your head in the sand and avoid the truth of what you are seeing. The trouble with giving way to denial is that it will delude you every time. In a state of denial, you will tell yourself that you have better control than you do, that you will stop whenever you are ‘on top’ and that it is just a matter of developing a better strategy. None of this is true. The truth of your gambling will be seen in your previous interactions. When I assess data for Mindway AI (an AI company in Denmark that specialises in gambling prevention) I can assure you that the graphic output from those with problematic gambling differs vastly from those who are simply gambling recreationally and unproblematically. You also have access to your past feelings and thoughts about gambling. If you have been thinking that you should quit, there is a very high likelihood that you should. I say that with confidence since it takes a lot for gamblers to even get to that point.
Make a decision to quit now!
The new year is not necessarily a better time than any other to decide to start recovery from gambling. It is however a time of the year when many people have spent a bit of extra time reflecting on their habits and behaviours. Perhaps there has also been some thoughts about which habits to carry on with and those that would be worth leaving behind.
If your past year revealed that gambling has in any way been problematic for you, you want to recognise that quitting sooner rather than later can save you from some of the very severe consequences you will otherwise risk facing if you continue to chase after your losses.
If you are still unsure of how your gambling has been going lately, simply take a look at your bank statement.
If despite the odd win, your bank balance is going south- the trajectory is highly likely to continue in that direction. Period.
As long as you are gambling, your thinking will remain distorted!
It is no newsflash that gambling addiction distorts the mind on more levels than we can cover in one article. As human beings, we go through thousands of thoughts every day. If you are struggling with gambling addiction, it may help you to understand the typical stages of thinking a gambler goes through as they are fairly predictable.
Understanding the many ways your mind is now working against you during your addiction is a very key step in getting on top of your problem. In your quest to reduce the amount of identification you have with your thinking, I will try to cover some of the many dimensions of thoughts you will need to familiarise yourself with.
The language of inner conflict… Optimism bias and permission-giving thoughts
As a gambler, the sad reality is that you cannot afford to wait until you feel ready to quit. You will simply need to make a decision to stop and then go after every single avenue of making that a reality. Be it by cutting up cards, eliminating access to bank apps, gambling sites or any other means.
There is no rational reason why an addicted gambler who has lost control should EVER continue to gamble.
One of the distinguishing features of an addiction is the experience of inner conflict. While one part of you is desperate to stop, you can simultaneously experience an intense pull towards gambling. The part that is addicted is desperate to keep the gambling going and does not give a hoot about how much damage it has caused you, or how much destruction it will continue to create in your life. It cares about one thing only- to re-experience the emotional shift that gambling has been providing. Irrespective of any long-term negative consequences. The addiction takes on a little life on its own and operates with one sole agenda: to keep growing bigger, gain more power, and thereby overtake any parts of you that might still sit on the fence. ‘It’ will stop at nothing in its mission to convince you and will therefore get incredibly creative in generating denial-infused thoughts.
Any excuses that will flow through your brain need therefore to be categorised as rationalisation or, by all means, if you prefer the word ‘lies’ you can use that as well. Here are some typical examples:
‘you have been a good girl/boy now and gambled less. You can reward yourself with a small flutter just to test it out and see if you can win. If you did win it would be such a quick way of repaying debts’
‘ I cannot face stopping today/midweek/mid-month/right now when I am in debt (or whatever applies) – I will stop as soon as I am back to even’
‘I know that I have been able to win in the past. If I keep a level head and just focus on winning and cashing out this should work.
Instead of buying into these thoughts, grasp hold of the part of you that is the internal arbitrator- the person who can negotiate in a detached and objective way. This part is unlikely to present him/herself during a gambling episode or when you are triggered with emotions. If you are unable to take a step back, focus on calming yourself down through breathing and present-moment awareness. When you feel rebalanced, do your best to recognise that the very fact that you are experiencing this amount of inner conflict is in itself a sure sign of a problematic engagement with gambling. If things had been working out so far, you would have no reason to doubt your future as a gambler!
A minimalistic approach to quitting gambling
Tim Ferris, the American entrepreneur, blogger and podcaster has inspired me plenty over the years. For those of you who have not read his blog or listened to his podcast, I highly recommend them although they are not specific for addiction at all. In one of his blogs, he suggested:
‘Find the one decision that removes hundreds or thousands of other decisions. ‘…. (Tim Ferriss/Greg Mc Keown and Jim Collins)
This is an excellent way of thinking about our decisions. It takes into account that we all have limited time and emotional bandwidth and (as research has suggested) potentially a finite number of decisions that we have the mental stamina to make during any given day.
The higher our cognitive load and willpower depletion (and oh boy are you adding to your load if you are caught up in an addiction!) the less bandwidth remains when it comes to making sensible decisions that support your future health and wellbeing!
Did you for instance know that Obama made one decision to wear the same colour outfits every day during his presidency? "You need to focus your decision-making energy," he told Vanity Fair. He did not do so because he was unfashionable, disinterested in what he wore or did not care. He did however recognise that there were more important decisions that he needed to concern himself with!
When we struggle with decision fatigue, we are far more prone to make impulsive decisions and as I am sure you know already, those decisions tend to be less thought through and frequently, less favourable for the long term. For gamblers, they are often catastrophically bad ones.
To make better decisions overall, you will need to make one very firm decision to stop allowing gambling to wreck your willpower, motivation and ability to choose wisely how your life moves forward!
By choosing to quit gambling, you are creating a new non-negotiable bottom line. No matter what happens, how tempted you feel or whatever your mind tells you - this is a decision you are going to stick with like superglue sticks to anything it comes into contact with!
Why is it so hard to motivate myself to stop even if I know I need to?
Many gamblers cannot stop mulling over the ‘quitting’ question. The decision-making process is hugely affected by all of the emotions that have gone into gambling so far and of course, the fear that quitting inevitably means giving up on any ideas of ‘winning back’ any money that has already been lost.
To make this decision a bit easier for you, I will give you a very important reminder:
It will not matter if you win money. Sooner or later whether it is right now or in a few weeks, it will fuel a continuation of gambling and frequently, the losses will then get even greater than they were after the previous episode.
1. Winning means you get greedy, hopeful and spurred on to continue.
2. Losing means you get desperate and needy to continue to see if you can make up for what you lost.
3. Winning and losing intermittently may make you get stuck in chasing mode during which you will believe your own lies that tell you that you will stop when you win. In reality, when you win you are back at option 1 yet again.
The only thing that matters at this point is the fact that you have lost control!!
When your control is lost, there is no possible way that you will hang on to winnings. It also useful to recognise that your gambling no longer qualifies as a decision that you are making based on a logical analysis of pros and cons. You are hooked on a feeling that will draw you in the wrong direction, while your desperate thinking mind will try to ‘make sense’ and rationalise why you keep going with an activity that is causing harm in your life.
It is like a seesaw that is trying to find an equilibrium. All the while, gambling is what is making it tip backwards and forwards to start with.
What do I do with all the secondary questions in my head?
Dwelling on Gambling as a way of resolving your problems
Understandably you (and your brain) have spent a lot of time thinking about the damage that gambling has caused in your life. It is only natural that this also prompts further thoughts of how to recover, how to repay your debts and how to stop the thoughts from doing your head in. Sadly, for any problem, it would seem that your brain believes that gambling represents a solution. This type of thinking needs to be immediately labelled as unhelpful and destructive.
Once you have chosen to stop and actioned that step, you will likely find that your mind quickly fills up with an onslaught of follow-up questions. These may include the following but can also be different from the below:
What will happen if I cut my losses?
How will I repay my debts?
How will I be able to get my family to trust me again?
How can I manage my emotions if I don’t have gambling to hide behind?
What will other people say if I ‘come out’ as an addicted gambler
How will I be able to have fun again without the silver lining of gambling?
What about my compulsions?
‘if I just try one more time it could change everything…’
You are correct in assuming that none of these will be easy to resolve and that many of the questions will evoke anxiety, doubt as well as feelings of dread. Some of the feelings will be so overbearing and challenging that you will want to snap back into an autopilot reach for another betting round.
Please accept that gambling will only be able to aggravate your situation at this point. As if these questions were not difficult enough for you at present, try and add another couple of years of destruction to them and try to connect with the possible outcomes you will then be facing. Things will keep getting worse. On the reverse, not gambling will act as a damage control measure and ensure that you at least stop mounting on the pain.
Somebody I know recently got involved in a sophisticated romance scam. After months of believing they were involved in a wonderful romance with a lady who was going to ‘make them a very rich couple’, it turned out that the money (that had been sent in the false belief that they were being invested) had all been sent straight to the greedy pockets of the scammers. What had appeared to be a beautiful and loving lady had woven a web of lies that not only tapped into my friend’s hope for a genuine relationship but also spiced it with excitement and secrecy.
It appealed to a part of him that no longer wanted to experience loneliness and ensured that he was ‘locked in’ with an ongoing investment that would be paying off ‘soon’.
The moral of this story is; that most of these situations are not about the money to begin with. But the prior losses, prolonged engagements, and continuous reliance on distorted thinking all make for a powerful trap. The growing isolation of gambling (just like romance scams) adds protection to the distorted mind.
If you don’t share openly what you are thinking and feeling, nobody can criticise you or force you to stop. Your addiction feeds off of this.
So what do you do with all the questions in your head? You just write them down for now. Then reassure yourself that with time a lot of them will naturally fall into place.
This does not mean that your money will repay itself. But trust that it will be repaid sooner if the gambling stops now.
If you quit- the only way is up even if the trajectory is a very slow one.
Your family will trust you sooner if you decide that you are never gambling again.
If you are concerned with other peoples’ opinions of you, remember it will be even more of a problem if you keep gambling. There is a direct correlation between the fear of being negatively appraised by others and the way you view yourself! Quitting ensures you can at least be pleased with your decision, learn to trust yourself again and ultimately be able to gain time in recovery.
As far as your emotions go, this is an area that will require long-term work. A word most gamblers wiggle in discomfort on the therapy coach when you tell them. Long-term work does not mean that you are actively going to struggle until some fine day when you have learnt more coping tools and you feel rebalanced. Yes, it may involve many moments of struggle and painful times. Such is life for all people - not least for those in addiction recovery. You will find that experiencing pain without also having a lack of trust in yourself can only really get so bad! As you learn to process feelings appropriately, you will realise that you are bigger than all of them and that you can survive them even when they hurt the most. Your mind is ill as long as it is under the influence of gambling- accept this sad reality. You cannot go wrong if you stop gambling – it is the least risky decision you can make!!!
You do not need to know everything about what will happen next in order to stop?
The worried mind loves to tell us that we need certainty to be able to feel safe and secure. It will tell you that you need to have a degree of predictability and certainty in what happens next and how you are going to be able to deal with it. This is not true at all. Learning how to manage uncertainty is a long-term mission. In the short term, it makes sense to understand that we are mainly deluding ourselves when we think of our lives as controllable and predictable. Learning to embrace this truth of life is a huge task but the good news is, you don’t have to bother yourself with this quite yet. For now, choosing abstinence for today is enough! The very fact of not gambling will already make for a better day and a better decision than those you had yesterday.
So what do you do when that anxiety rears its ugly head? You make some room for it. By all means, acknowledge that you are feeling anxious and that you are experiencing a feeling of being out of control. By recognising these modes of thoughts and feelings you are also reminding yourself that you- the person that you are – are more than just your thoughts and feelings. As Aristotle once said, ‘We are what we continuously do, excellence therefore is not an act but a habit’ .
Summary points:
Make a non-negotiable decision NOT to gamble anymore. Irrespective of how high or low your motivation may seem. This is the only decision that is 100% guaranteed to be rooted in sensible logic and tested against prior experience. It is not influenced by an excessive appetite for risk-taking or possible impulsivity. And most importantly, not the output of your deluded thought patterns.
Then…
· Focus on your actions
· Disengage in unhelpful thinking
· Increase your willingness to feel difficult feelings
open yourself up to uncertainty and remind yourself that the only thing you can know for certain is that you will make every bad event worse by gambling!
I hope this blog post can be of some help. All the best for the new year and for your recovery journey
With love,
Annika