How to start healing emotionally from gambling addiction (instead of continuing to self-punish)

Gambling addiction is not one of those problems that culminates into a natural and spontaneous recovery. The cycles of chasing, losing, further chasing, regret, shame, anger; repeat, frequently result in feelings of sheer desperation, hopelessness and at times even suicidality. Many of you will have felt strong, negative and really challenging emotions, some of which are so unpleasant that all you want to do is keep running from them.   Worryingly those feelings tend to fuel more rather than less gambling for an individual who has developed an addiction to it. This is a truly crazy-making spin to be stuck in – and needless to say; the levels of self-respect and trust in oneself are going to become non-existent the further down the hole the gambler continues.      

One of the troubles that I often observe, and also point out to my clients, is that the ever-increasing desperation and hopelessness keeps the affected individual in such a state of panic and terror – that a logical solution is just about the last thing to enter the mind at this point.  Stopping just does not feel like an option.

 In that precise moment ‘solutions’ instead become ideas of how to end one’s life, how to escape further through more gambling, running away from it all or just taking out that one last loan so that the long anticipated win can finally come in and it should all be well again. Only problem is that it never happens that way…

A difficult part of addiction is that the more you engage in it, the bigger and more powerful it becomes. It is like a greedy monster who asks for food. Every time you gamble you are feeding it. It is now really big and strong.  By the time it has managed to hi-jack not only your behaviour, but also your thinking processes and emotional world; you are going to feel as though you are in the grips of the devil.   This cycle is absolutely critical to break away from as soon as possible!

For many; breaking away from the behaviour of gambling is not all that much of a challenge.  Staying away on the other hand, and healing from the traumas left behind by the addiction, is usually a real challenge.   In order to successfully keep away from the gambling in the longer term, the cycle of self-loathing and avoidance has to come to an end.  This forces people to face the pain and destruction resulting from years, or sometimes even decades, of continuous gambling.   It is no wonder that continuing to stick one’s head in the sand and keep hoping that the gambling will finally deliver – is the only solution that seems to make sense.

When it comes to dealing with emotional trauma of any kind – there are a few quick DO’s and DON’Ts  that will be helpful to learn immediately.

DO’s include   self-compassion, empathy to oneself, forgiveness, patience, validation of one’s own feelings, curiosity and kindness.   All these things are usually easier to deliver to others than to oneself, but at this point in time you are going to learn how to give yourself a break from the self-sabotaging attitude that you’ve practiced for far too long already.

DON’Ts include:  self-loathing, self-judgment, more gambling, avoiding feelings, keeping so busy that you cannot possible engage , let alone heal, yourself, transferring from one addictive behaviour to another, drink, drugs or any other kind of attempt to ‘numb out’ or trying to ruminate yourself out of the problem. 

Even if the above lists are obvious, what you are going to notice is that your mind will continue to point you in the WRONG direction, even when you are fully awake to the facts as they are; that gambling is a pathway to utter destruction.   Crazy as it sounds, even negative feelings can create a bit of an addiction for us.  In clinic I constantly encounter people whose’ lives are finally moving forward nicely, and whom may suddenly feel almost compelled to create some form of drama to get back to ‘pain’.  It is important that we start making a distinction between what our brain is doing to us, and what is really our destiny.   Each and one of you deserve to feel good and at ease in your life again. This IS POSSIBLE no matter what you believe at the moment. The problem is that you are the one who has to start the work. No matter how much support, how much external push and validation; the internal healing will not start until you start it yourself.

 Here is how to get it going….

# Acceptance &  self-forgiveness   

Accepting what has occurred may not be an easy task. It goes against our very nature as humans to immediately come to terms with something that is difficult or traumatic. A level of denial is very natural, however in addictions, it is also extremely unhelpful and usually prolonged too. The whole idea of denying to ourselves the pain caused by our wrongdoing, making excuses for it and even worse- continuing to compound on it by further gambling is all part of the explanation of how the problem of gambling took on the proportions it now has.  The only way through this obstacle is to actually get real about it – and break through the denial. Not once, not twice but to continue to choose to be honest and real with yourself going forward, and to do the opposite to what you have become accustomed to.  This involves being brutally honest with yourself, accepting  the pain that you are feeling and to stop believing that little monster in your head that tells you that things can get better if only you gamble one more time.  To forgive yourself for what has been, whilst acknowledging that acceptance does not equate to enjoyment. You can accept and be honest to yourself about what has happened, you can be upset about it, cry and scream about it; but at the same time take care to not be horrible to yourself.   You need your own care and love more than ever before and trust me on this; if you don’t start giving it to yourself the body and mind will keep retaliating and urge back to the addiction for quick fixes and a superficial and short-lived feeling of ‘aliveness’.  Forgiving yourself is about accepting yourself with all parts you come with.   The gambling is only one of those parts. Remember that there is more to you than the gambling though and the only way to reconnect with the rest is to start cultivating that contact through what might feel like a re-discovery of who you are and what you stand for.

# Learn how to actually manage your feelings

Using gambling as a way of achieving any particular emotional state is actually never going to be a great idea.  Clearly, there are those that can gain enjoyment from an episode of gambling and finds this to be a worthwhile thing to do for one reason or another.  If you have developed an addiction to gambling, the idea of relying on gambling to achieve either highs or numbed out lows is just not a good idea anymore. When you initially take steps to quit it may suddenly become evident to you that the actual healthy managing  of feelings is brand new territory.   A good starting point for those of you who are brand new to experiencing your feelings, is simply to acknowledge them.   You can do this by starting to simply label them to yourself as they arise.  ‘Here is sadness’   ‘this feels like pain’ ‘here comes a craving’.   If you want to take it one step further, also add some descriptive to the feelings.  ‘This feels very heavy and sticky’ or ‘my craving feels like a twitching in the brain and contractions in my chest’.  Basically, the idea is that you are beginning to acknowledge a) the actual emotion as  an experience rather than as something that IS YOU.  b) that feelings are very changing in nature; what you feel one minute will start changing the next c) most importantly we need to all learn that feelings are temporary events.  When you tune in better with them and allow for yourself to validate and acknowledge the experience – you will soon start becoming more familiar with your inner world as a whole. Your inner world holds the keys to recovery – but it requires you to stop treating it like your enemy.   Get to know your feelings and start to accept them as part of you.  If you find them overwhelming, always make sure that you continue to breath through them as they arise.   They are just feelings; this is a good thing to keep reiterating to yourself. Ideally, you would want to find a point of support; treatment, community, GA-Groups, a trusted friend etc. This can really help you feel less alone with your feelings. When none of those are possible, which is often the case, make sure that you start becoming that friend that you need so badly.

# Show curiosity and see what the feelings would like you to do for yourself

Sometimes we have feelings for good reasons. Just as often our feelings come from conditioned responses and ‘faulty programming’ meaning that we have a feeling that are no longer a good guide for our behaviour. This, of course, is the case with for example a gambling craving.  Our mission is to decipher which one of the feelings that we experience that holds good messages for us, and which ones urge us on to take action that will lead us astray.  Let’s say for instance that your feelings tell us that we are feeling really bored and empty, a bit like an inner void.  The urge suggests ‘go gamble’.  Try and show enough curiosity for the feeling that you can check if there could be something worthwhile in the feeling that you are having- even if the urge is clearly telling you to do the wrong thing.  Sometimes when we get to know the underlying feelings, we realise that the feeling of a ‘void’ for instance could be suggesting that there is  some healing required. There is  something inside of us left unsatisfied that keeps coming out and making requests. Maybe we are lonely? Maybe there is a need to connect with ourselves and look after us for a bit?   Maybe the feeling is asking you to validate it so that it can feel ‘heard’?     Whatever it is communicating, try to understand that feelings communicate to us in a different way to how the ‘egoic mind’ communicates to us.  The mind will generate fast thoughts, excuses and there is a sense of an inner ‘nag’ to take a particular action. Try to see this as part of the ‘feeling experience’ but still separate from it. These are thoughts and the thoughts are not necessarily carrying a worthwhile message.  In times when the urge is strong, ensure that you are in a safe place where you can do no harm. The feeling will ultimately pass and you will be so proud of yourself for ‘surviving’ it. This is the start of a transformative relationship with your emotional self.

# Look inwards with kindness, compassion and love

When you follow your autopilot, chances are that any emotional experience that does not feel good gets met with irritation, negative judgment or self-criticism.  ‘What a fool I am to have that feeling still…’ ‘What is wrong with me for urging for something that has ruined my life...!’ These are common experiences in beginning of recovery and certainly seem to make sense given that the gambling indeed has caused severe problems. Continuing in this pattern of self-judgment, self-directed hostility, loathing and blaming is however never going to yield good results.  You have to decide to change the relationship that you hold with yourself and your feelings. I use the word ‘decide’ as this suggestion normally gets met with intense resistance from individuals whom may have spent a long time damaging their own lives and the lives of others through their addiction. Self-compassion starts with a decision to be kind to you. Following on from there is the change in behaviours towards yourself. Eventually the feeling will start changing.  I will talk more about self-compassion in a future post. For now, the main part to take away is that self-compassion won’t come naturally- you will need to act before you feel and have faith that the feelings will follow.

With love, Annika