Gambling recovery: How to stop shame and regret from pulling you back into the vortex..
Some of you may have been there already and come out the other end. Some of you are probably still in the middle of this zone. You stopped gambling, hoping that things would start to feel better and make sense. Instead your entire life just started coming apart. Your partner had enough of the lies and drama and went on to dump you. Friends who decided they no longer wanted to hear your shifting stories or listening to ‘this time I mean it - I will stop...’ or the looming threat of the employer who will sooner or later find out that you stole some money during a gambling chase.
It feels like a pressure cooker full of gunk just waiting to blow open at any moment – causing the content to splatter and ruin every area of your life. The pressure is so uncomfortable that your mind is yearning for the one and only thing it recalls that can momentarily block out all the pain, shame and regrets; a little more gambling….
Yes, the reality is that you might really have messed up. There is no point trying to keep existing with thick layers of wool pulled over one’s eyes. For most gamblers, the harsh truth is that they really did let people down, took others for fools, tried to get money out of them and throughout you may also have lied constantly. The part of this that you know is true, and they don’t, is that from the bottom of your heart, hurting them was never your intention. Lying to them, strange as it sounds, was not something you set out to do. Even those times when you may have stolen money, you actually believed on some level that it would work out favourably. That the winnings would be used to settle the debts and make it all OK again. Or that you were going to get yourself together after the next bet and get real with everyone around you so that there would be no more secrets. At least that honesty would count for something. But instead, you kept the secret for far too long, and now you have found that whatever you say to them, it no longer counts.
They just don’t believe in you anymore no matter what you say or do
Here is the biggest problem that we now have. This stuff has already happened and no matter how much you beat yourself up, torment yourself day and night about it, or spend your days talking to yourself using words like ‘useless’ and ‘worthless’ to describe you, the past will not come undone. Hurting and hating yourself further is not going to make your situation any better for anybody. Not even for the people that you hurt to begin with!
So, what the heck can you do when things just feel so terrible that you don’t know if you can get through to tomorrow? When the feelings inside makes you just want to combust or stop existing? How can we gain any forward traction when things feel like they are forever messed up?
First, please accept that this is a very difficult situation emotionally to find oneself in. It will feel as though the reasons for living are few, if any, or that the world would actually be better off without you. It might even feel as if the shame you are experiencing from the actions that you took part in, or the lack of control over your compulsions and urges would only be able to stop if you end your life. Please know that this is not the truth. I kept highlighting the word feel just now to illustrate that this is exactly that – it is a feeling. Think of all of the other times when your feelings were given you some defunct and terrible messages! How about some recent urges to head out for another bet? Or when those feelings told you that it would be wise to keep going on a certain machine?
Our feelings are not always on our side in terms of guidance. We need to be one step ahead here and straighten things out logically before we decide how to respond to any feelings that may arise. Just like your mind has given you some faulty demands telling you to gamble further after gambling ruined your life, the mind is now coming up with exit strategies for how to avoid having to deal with the consequences, but these are also faulty. Why? Because executing them will not lead to a solution. It will lead to further pain for all.
It is however important that you get yourself into safety and start to develop a healthy detachment to your mind. This is the aim of any psychotherapy, any mindfulness exercise and any detox facility too for that matter. To create a little gap between you as the person taking action; and what is going on inside of you. Developing a stance where you choose how to behave in any given circumstance, and your emotional world no longer runs you. This stance provides you with an opportunity to decipher what actually constitutes a healthy solution; and what only constitutes a way to compound the problem further. In essence, we need to really straighten out the way that we relate to thoughts and feelings. This is a major topic but I just wanted to go over a few ways of untwisting yourself from the most difficult, lowest forms of thinking that frequently come about in early recovery from gambling….
Actively disengage in rumination
When we are in the midst of rumination, our mind may sound a bit like this…
‘I am useless’ ‘there is no point’ ‘why did I do it…’ ‘how could I allow myself to do it.’ ‘I hate myself so much’’ I cannot go on like this- I need to end this’ . One of the many troubles with rumination is that even in itself, it is a rather addictive form of thinking! Once you start- it gets harder to stop. Do it often enough and the brain makes it a habit. We can then ruminate on the rumination itself and start wondering if we lost the plot or whether we will be messed up like this forever. The moment we engage fully in rumination a large part of our mental resources is pre-occupied, hence we find it even more difficult to access our more rational mind. We are therefore even less able to disengage in the negative thinking and we end up in a downward spiral dominated by a fixation on this very negative, self-sabotaging and persistent form of thinking * (see ref below for further reading on Rumination and research connected to this area) Our attention gets consumed, our psychological and emotional bandwidth is essentially maximised and weirdly, but unhelpfully, the easiest and most intuitive thing to do is to continue down the same path. A bit like being stuck in the mud with a car. The more you rev, the deeper your wheels get stuck. After a while, it will feel practically impossible to move the car in any direction whatsoever. Rumination, unlike what we often believe though, is a form of thinking that we do have control over, much as it does not feel that way at the moment that we are doing it. Without covering some of the more complex reasons to why many people become really habitual ruminators. One of the easiest ways (and trust me it still is not easy) of disrupting the process is to start implementing a new rule with yourself. Basically, every time that you are finding yourself stuck in, or about to launch into an extended session of rumination; ask yourself this question..
‘is there anything CONSTRUCTIVE I can do about this situation/thing that I am ruminating about?
What you will find is that the answer can only fall into 3 categories here.
1) YES there is something that you can do – in which case, and as I am sure you realise already- you would be far better off dedicating your time to actually doing something; even if it is just outlining the very basic action steps towards whatever it is you ultimately need to do. At times the answer will be ‘yes but it will take so long to do it..’ or ‘yes but not right now’ – this is fine. If it is the former- no problem if it will take you several years; the main point is that you get started on moving in the right direction. Perhaps at this point just outlining the action steps is enough. If it is the latter; and the point of action lies sometimes in the future, again this is fine. What we need to do then is simply ‘park’ the issue until a point in the future when we will pick it up again for the purpose of creating an action plan. In the meantime, we are better off accepting that rumination has ceased to have a function in the resolution of the issue that you are dwelling on.
2) No there is nothing you can do – this tends to be the case with most stories of the past, money lost to gambling, regrets about not being able to ‘cash out’ etc. Paradoxically, when there is nothing that one can do, people are often more likely to engage in prolonged ruminations. It is as if the rumination itself would somehow ‘put things right’ or generate a great solution to the problem at hand. If you have ruminated for a long period of time already, you only have to check with yourself how much time you dedicated so far and ask yourself ‘did it work?’. No further comments, the answer should be obvious to you at that point.
Once you have established that there are no action steps that can be taken you are going to have to actively disrupt your chains of rumination which is far easier said than done. A common example is when trust has been ruined or when other people don’t behave in a way that you want to. Or it could be when you are ruminating on losses that have occurred and that cannot be brought back no matter how you wish for it. It is good to know that this is the ‘perfect storm’ for rumination to come around. We want so desperately to change something – we start believing that we will ‘figure it out’ if only we think a bit more. Sadly, if rumination is the thinking that you apply you are assured to continue facing a similar level of hopelessness since the feelings that get generated are likely to be both paralysing and inducing deep despair.
Re-engaging your mind in something else that is fun and stimulating is one way of coming away from a hook of rumination; talking to someone, doing something physical or making a plan for activity are all good ideas. Any distraction may be more useful than sitting idle and allowing rumination to fester. The idea is that you accept that the rumination has zero function for you and go about your day by choice. This is really tough to do and be prepared to fall off the wagon frequently. Remember; rumination being a habit of the mind means your mind will have ample setbacks and your task is to be tolerant, accepting but to firmly try and put it back on track to focus on the present again, and again and again... This is just like breaking away from any other habit. It is difficult, requires intense repetition but can definitely be done!
3) BOTH YES AND NO; there is something that could be done but mostly there isn’t. This is often the case for addicted gamblers who may for example have blown all the funds from the family savings or similar. The thing that can be done is of course to make those amends that are within reach presently or going forward. Remaining dedicated to recovery for example. Showing every day that you are serious about taking steps to block yourself from activities. Allowing someone else to take control over finances. These are steps that CAN and absolutely SHOULD be taken as soon as humanly possible. Beyond that, what you might find is that the rumination still continues. At this point please return to paragraph 2) No there is nothing I can do... and follow the steps from there on in how to relate to the rumination.
Acknowledge your feelings, but try not to get caught up in them
Shame, regret and guilt are emotions that feel unpleasant, difficult and extremely painful to experience. No wonder we do what we can to avoid the experience, even when the action we take is likely to prolong the pain and suffering. Feeling deep levels of shame about what one has done whilst gambling is not a feeling that will alleviate through further gambling. Short term, however, not gambling might mean abstaining from the only possible way you know in life that numbs those difficult feelings. That is part of why it is very difficult to stop. Gambling had become a way for you to cope with certain feelings, and a way to trick yourself to believe you were ‘solving’ the problem of your gambling addiction. A deeply ingrained habit that the mind will present as a plausible solution anytime that it experiences any of the more difficult to bear emotions. Here you need to really do some healing and re-training. For starters; what’s critical to come to terms with is that a continued engagement in gambling is never ever going to lead to a solution to the gambling problem. I have previously drawn the analogy of food allergy. If we eat something that we are sensitive to, we will react. We might even have an allergic shock. It is highly unlikely that you would be telling yourself ‘hey if I just have a teeny tiny bit more of that peanut butter…it would feel so nice and it tastes incredible’. When it involves a ‘psychological injury’ the logic often works differently. We know full well what would serve us right long term but yet in some circumstances do the complete opposite. There are too many reasons for this to list in this blog post. Some of it however ties in directly with our self-worth and ability to set proper boundaries to behaviours that are no longer serving us well. Some of it ties in with the addictive properties of what we have been getting up to. If something feels too good – and let’s face it gambling temporarily gives the brain a real rush of dopamine. That does feel good! Due to the intensity of the experience, and the likelihood that we would feel compelled to take part in the same behaviour to re-experience the same rush- this also makes it far more difficult to walk away. Remember though, the same rules still apply as for the peanut allergy.
If something hurts us, we will not be healed or soothed by going back to the source of the trouble.
You have to just learn to have those feelings of shame, regret, anger and the urges that may arise. The feelings will come and go and might sometimes threaten to ‘take you over’ but remember that you are in charge. These are your feelings, you created them yourself irrespective of external conditions and although it feels difficult and unfair at times you can choose whether to allow them to consume you or not. This step takes practice, and just like with anything else that we learn, you will find yourself doing good some days and terrible on other days. Many influences will impact on your progress and success.
The present moment has the power
With all of the techniques above, the one that is more important than anything else is to keep your mind fixed in the present. This is not to say that you are not allowed to think about the past or the future- but when you do watch that the mind does not get busy with rumination or worry. Some useful questions to use for checking in with yourself are...
Am I problem-solving now or am I just rehashing an old story?
Am I taking action to solve the issue that I have identified that is causing me problems emotionally?
Is there excess and unhelpful overthinking thinking going on? Should I get a bit busier?
Am I actually living in the here and now and paying attention to what is really happening?
What is going on around me? What good/neutral stuff can I pay attention to as well that can keep me anchored in the current moment?
When we remain present-focused, we end up feeling free, easy and as if we are alive! When you really truly manage to exist in the present, you might notice- even if it is just through flash insights, to begin with- that nothing else ultimately matters as much as this very moment we are in. The past has passed, and the future is not here yet. In the present moment, you are free to reinvent yourself and your habits in every new moment that comes along. This is freeing!! If guilt and sadness is haunting you, I am not trying to suggest you neglect the impact that it has had on you or other people. By acknowledging that you messed up, committing to moving forward and then actually taking the steps, no matter how small and slow, towards changing your ways is one of the only powerful ways of illustrating that you are genuinely remorseful and have intentions to change. Continuing to engage in acts of verbal self-flagellation (with the sole purpose of trying to illustrate to yourself and others that you screwed up) is not going to do you any favours. Particularly not when the behaviours that follow are going to cause you to be even more misaligned with your underlying values and directions. Not because you want to, but because the levels of negative emotions can get so high that only the worst and most powerfully practised ‘coping tools’ (i.e. Gambling) will suffice.
As always the techniques presented in this post are not a full solution of course, but I am hoping that you can find some comfort from them.
Best of luck, with love
Annika X
Wells, A. (2011) Metacognitive therapy for Depression and Anxiety * (this book is written mainly for clinicians but is a great resource if you are very keen to learn about rumination/worry and metacognition)