Long term gambling recovery: 5 steps to understanding and healing the underlying wounds of gambling addiction
We all may have at least a few psychological ‘wounds’ that originate from childhood. Some of them, particularly those that stem from traumatic events and/or have remained unresolved, are going to cause the greatest pain upon encounter. Sadly, many people who have experienced trauma don’t even think about finding a resolution nor do they deem themselves capable of healing. Instead, they try to create new innovative ways of numbing the pain and fleeing from memories. Gambling is one such way – and it can sure do a ‘good job’ for a little while thanks to its ‘dissociative properties’. It has remarkable powers to mask difficult feelings, block out memories and childhood experiences that call for suppression due to unwished-for content.
Having treated gamblers at various ends of the severity spectrum, there is little doubt that the origin of gambling addiction is never exactly the same for two different gamblers. In fact, the research has suggested that there are several different ‘pathways’ into gambling addiction (see this very informative and important academic article by the leading Australian gambling researchers Alex Blaszczynski & Lia Nower.
Whilst gambling addiction features the same symptomatology a bit further down the line of the addiction – the pathways that lead to addiction in the first place can vary vastly. In one of the pathways (pathway 1) the gamblers are not (at least not to start with) using gambling as a way of avoiding or dealing with difficult emotions. Instead, they merely become addicted through the very behaviour of gambling. The gambling disorder is then maintained through distorted thinking and a variety of conditioning. All of which is provided during gambling. Even this group may suffer depression and anxiety at a later stage in their addiction, however, at this point, it is in response to the gambling addiction as opposed to a premorbid condition. They may also start using gambling to try and solve the problem of gambling at that stage, just like the other two groups. In contrast to the first group, the other two groups suffer pre-existing conditions, co-morbidities and varying degrees of impulsivity; all of which creates conditions that draw the gambler in more easily. Often from a much younger age. If you are keen to read and understand these pathways and the complexity around the development of gambling addiction - I really recommend reading the full article.
Gambling as a life long habit & ‘crutch’
One thing that is clear, is that those gamblers who have entered gambling from early in their lives often are the most ‘incessant’ at returning to gambling as a way of coping in life. It would seem quite natural that a young brain, that is not fully formed, will very likely have a stronger impression formed by the gambling, than will a brain that is already fully developed and in a person who has already developed a range of adaptive coping skills.
I have often observed that for gamblers that started out from a young age, gambling has been ‘rehearsed’ and conditioned to a wide range of situations and cues. It has started to fill not one, but several ‘functions’. It is not uncommon to meet those that started young, report that gambling has been used as an ‘emotional crutch’ (albeit a very bad one) , as a way of having fun, as a pastime, hobby, avoidance-strategy, ego-booster, source of identity etc. As unreliable as it may be, gambling has always ‘been there for them, perhaps in a way that few other things have… This creates a very difficult and conflicted relationship to gambling. If this resonates with you- please don’t think that this means you are doomed. It is however all the more important that you learn how to find less destructive and more sustainable ways of helping yourself emotionally.
In other words, the role that gambling has played in someone’s life appear to be far greater when the habit was picked up from an early age. When attempting to remove the gambling from such a person’s life as part of early recovery, it can easily leave the individual with an arsenal of ‘hollow voids’ that needs filling.
As many of you readers already know, this is why it can feel very difficult and conflicting when you finally quit! Expect to feel hollow, empty, yearning, craving… You may also feel unfulfilled, bored and as if you are ‘lacking’ in yourself. You might even feel extremely irritable, angry, depressed and anxious.. Please be gentle with yourself through this stage and be aware that the negative feelings do not mean you are going in the wrong direction! In fact, it pretty much means the opposite. This means that you are carving out something from your life that you have become far too dependent on. Your bad emotional reaction is NOT a sign that you are doing the wrong thing, it is a sign that you are doing something NEW and different to what the emotional brain is expecting.
Despite being able to understand that this is indeed a healthy step, it can still be confusing. On the one hand- you want to see the back of the gambling more than anything you ever wanted in your life. On the other hand, it feels like you need it. Sometimes just as much as you need a friend, a parent or a hobby.
It is not particularly straightforward at all when you look at it this way. I am not saying this to suggest that gambling actually is as important as a parent, friend or hobby, but this doesn’t prevent it from feeling that way. Some of these facts can be important to understand in order to prevent unnecessary and excessive self-criticism. In other words, it may look like a logically sound decision to let go of gambling. However, actually doing so may tap into attachments, wounds and/or early life experiences that run considerably deeper than you may be able to access all by yourself.
To access childhood wounds and old emotional scarring we need to start paying close attention to our reactions, what and who pains us (our triggers), as well as our behaviour patterns. Much of this work can be extraordinarily painful, but it can also be a very informative and interesting experience. It is however painful enough to require a level of motivation that can act as an incentive for taking part in the work, even when the going gets tough.
What happens if I don’t do any of the ‘deeper’ work?
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have seen some people become abstinent without making a single connection with early experience. There are those who put plenty of barriers in place ( between them and the gambling) and successfully manage to stay away from the gambling altogether. Since life without gambling inevitably means that other things (relationships, habits, activities etc) will need to take their place. For some people, a lot than can be re-learnt fairly naturally. I would like to add though, that this model of recovery pertains particularly to those who started gambling in adulthood (18+) and for whom gambling was never really a way to modify negative mood states. Yes, it might have been a way to achieve a buzz, win lots of money or feel on top of the world, but not in the first instance a way to relieve negative feelings or past trauma.
For those of you that have been relying on gambling as an emotional crutch, you will know the difference between abstinence and recovery…
Being abstinent is good and important. It does however not per automatic mean that your life is progressing in any way at all. It also does not equate to a feeling of ease or enjoyment. Sometimes, it can even feel the opposite to that as your ‘cloak of invisibility (pertaining to gambling) is abruptly tossed away. Unless effort and progress is made to heal and move forward, the experience will be similar to those of a ‘dry drunk’ ie. there is a feeling of white-knuckling through your days, all while wondering how on earth you will be able to keep this up long term. This is a risky stage that does not feel one bit like having moved on. Instead, it may feel like each day is another day when you nearly lapsed but just about scraped it…
Your ‘wounds’ are your vulnerabilities to triggers and reactivity
Not becoming aware of your past influences means that you will continue to be somewhat ‘blindly’ guided by old emotions, wounds and reactivity with very limited chances of ever-changing things on a deeper level. You will still be able to make changes to your behaviour of course, but chances are that you will keep returning to old familiar patterns when in the ‘comfort’ of complacency.
Mapping out your own ‘wound chart’
So, in order to start noticing what is going on, try and take stock of what happens to you at the times when you are struggling.
STEP 1. What triggered this situation? Were there any particular people, places or challenges around me that caused the emotional turmoil? More importantly, is there a pattern to my gambling behaviour? Perhaps a toxic combo of several factors? Are there situations when I notice myself reacting in ways that are disproportionate to the situation?
STEP 2. Assume emotional accountability This step is without a doubt the most difficult one. Not just for gamblers, but for any kind of emotional growth that we undertake as humans. We have to make ourselves responsible for what we feel and for our reactions to situations. This is irrespective of how little it feels as though it is your fault that you are in the situation, or how much, in those moments, the temptation is to pass blame. This is about installing the element of CHOICE into the equation and beginning to understand that we regardless of external circumstances and triggers, can have a say in how we respond to it.
Taking full ownership over your thoughts, feelings and behaviours will undoubtedly feel daunting. For many, it will also come with great reluctance. It is worth reminding yourself that without accountability, you are likely to go around in circles finding new things to blame, all while you are there stepping in the same spot. One week you may be angry with the venues, another week you may be angry that the bank allowed you to withdraw, and a third week – it is that annoying colleague who criticised you and ‘made you feel’ low and useless. **contrary to common belief, staying accountable also does not mean that you are blaming yourself. It is about accepting the situation as it is and taking it from there. This actually re-installs power you feel you lost and gives you the ownership to change yourself!
Step 3. Identify the ‘entry wound’ Figure out where this difficult feeling originates from. Could there be any early experiences where this feeling has been present? Are there any dots to connect to other repetitive behavioural responses? This time, we are going to process the feelings involved once and for all.
That sounds simple enough in a sentence but let me tell you- this is not a simple step at all. For many people, this is a step that needs to be approached as many smaller portions rather than attempting to do it all at once. Let’s for instance say that you realise that each time that you feel dismissed and rejected, gambling is your ‘go to’ behaviour. You start wondering whether there were any events from your early childhood where this feeling would have occurred. You draw the parallel that you felt that way each time your Mum neglected your emotional needs and attended to your siblings. Perhaps you even recall that during some very traumatic events, you felt like that all the time. At this point, you might begin to freak out a little…how on earth shall I process this BIG feeling that is now coming up within?
Step 4. Being with the feeling and allowing for healing. Do not panic. Here is where the healing comes in and please know that there is no rush. You can take this at your own comfortable pace, and do it however you like to whether that means sitting at home crying your eyes out, processing it through journaling, or by walking and talking it out with a friend. The only criteria is that you are not allowed to resort to self-destructive measures as they will never help you. Instead, try to make a committed effort to stay present with what is happening inside of you. Instead of ‘running’ you are now choosing actively to attend to the wound. To look after it and soothe it properly so that it can heal up. No more quick fixes, band-aids or avoidance strategies. The wound is just requiring of one thing – your mindful attention. The feelings that arise need you to sit put and allow for its existence. Rather than closing up and pushing away, you breathe calmly and remind yourself you are going to be ok. They will pass. You can do this type of processing a little at a time. Unlike what many people think- you don’t have to be all that skilled to know what to do when those feelings come up. You do however need to be with the understanding that it can hurt and that you can survive the pain. Try to think of it as a physical wound- it hurts worse in the beginning but as you heal it will get better. It is important to believe that you need to go through this pain to overcome it, and also that you can. You can! No matter how unbelievable it feels right now. It can also help to think about the joy that will come from not having to feel as though you are needing to run away from yourself.
Step 5. Identify new behaviours and rehearse them frequently until they stick Becoming aware of your past influences and how it impacts your present allows you to re-write the rules for your future.
Remember, you are not obliged to follow the same behaviour patterns that have held you hostage for years!
Every moment is a new moment that you are allowed to start practicing a new habit, a new behaviour and thinking things differently.
Now that you are beginning to understand the type of situation that triggers you- try to recognise that the link between trigger-emotion-behaviour will be extremely strong. Think of it like an electric current that runs through a particular pathway -operating with a clear preference for the path of least resistance. Without knowing the first thing about electricity, it is here that you need to ensure that the current cannot follow its previously natural path. You are going to need to create a NEW pathway! I find that people who have spent too many years doing the same thing often lose touch with the mere possibility that they could be doing things differently. YOU CAN DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. But you are the one who has to decide what ‘differently’ should look like. So decide the new behaviour, practice it even when you are not full of pain and/or in a triggered state. This way it will be more accessible to you when you really need it.
if this is the first time visiting my blog, I strongly recommend that you take the 4 first necessary steps to quit gambling before trying to do the work discussed in this post**
With love, Annika