8 ways of managing loneliness; When gambling addiction acts as a surrogate for connection
We are right now in the toughest season of the year. This year, with a global pandemic and lockdowns none the least, but even other years the Christmas period and New year’s tend to be challenging.
During festive seasons, reminders are everywhere of other people have family, partners, friends and a community. A time when you might be reminded of the family members that you lost contact with, or let down due to your addiction.
For some, this is a particularly difficult period of the year. Yet for many gamblers, every day of the entire year is a day of loneliness.
A feeling of not being seen, heard and in any way cared for. As if the pain of loneliness wasn’t enough, there may also be the knowledge that some of the loneliness has been self-inflicted. All those lies, deceit and broken promises that turned people who loved and cared for you against you over time. It seems that only you know that all of those acts were part of the addiction, and never done with malicious intent.
You didn’t intend to hurt or let your family down. But the words have lost their meaning, and the attempts to stop have been countless. Nobody believes you anymore.
Loneliness is one of the common human conditions. This fact sadly doesn’t mean we are naturally well equipped to deal well with it. It pains us and makes us look around ourselves for distractions of any kind to help soothe the inner pain and emptiness.
Gambling as a ‘surrogate’ companion
As mentioned before in my blogs, gambling can fill loads of different functions, and for each gambling addicted person, the exact function it fills will vary somewhat.
The one function that I wanted to focus on today, is where gambling acts as a surrogate for a friend, companion, and something that is ‘always there for you’.
In other words a ‘filler’ for loneliness.
If this resonates with you, please know that it is actually quite understandable how it all ended up this way. The more primitive part of the brain has likely latched on the idea of gambling as an ‘anaesthetic’ for loneliness, emptiness and for that void inside that seems like a sore gaping hole.
Here are some common scenarios that might have meant gambling became seen as a powerful blocker of loneliness
·You have been subjected to abandonment or rejection from parental figures. Gambling has always offered a companionship, a sense of identity and not least something to keep busy and preoccupied with through tough times. It has made you feel important and special whenever you are winning. These powerful feelings have really mattered due to never really feeling those feelings in childhood.
·You yourself were a child of an addicted parent to whom you acted the parent. Taking responsibility for an adult, that should really be the one to take responsibility for you, can lead to blurred boundaries and a whole host of unmet emotional needs.
You have a deep-rooted fear of intimacy due to early emotional wounds. Gambling for you has always been a handy distraction that has prevented you from having trusting and worthwhile relationships. If you have ever entered a good relationship, your gambling related actions have sabotaged the relationship, or you have simply done it yourself by telling yourself ‘nobody wants to date a gambler’.
You were ‘primed’ by a parent to hang out in gambling venues and have memorized these moments fondly. Whenever troubles arise, you think back to the soothing feeling of the arcades or casinos, and feel almost hypnotised by the sounds and lights. A feeling similar to spotting grandma’s cookie jar arises whenever you go near a gambling venue to this day..
Having never had much of a support circle, or a sense of identity; the feeling of being cheered on, spoken to and accepted in the gambling venues has felt really important. The gambling venues have been the one place where you always feel welcome, and for better or worse, it has offered a sense of community. Much like a pub acts like a social hub for many, the gambling venues have been a place to connect and socialise.
Being someone who has lost most relationships to gambling, you find yourself spending more time gambling than with any human being. The preoccupation is so intense that it leaves little room for engagement and no energy to invest in relationships. The end result is an endless cycle of more gambling to fill the void of loneliness- and more loneliness because you invest more into gambling than to anything else in your life (whether you wish that was the case or not).
Subconscious vs conscious meaning of gambling
‘A solution for loneliness’ is probably not the first thing that comes to mind if someone asks you why you gamble. ( For many gamblers it won’t ever act as one either I should mention). As I have written about in previous articles, there are some fairly distinct and different pathways into gambling addiction and one of them has actually got very little to do with background trauma and psychiatric co-morbidity. The two other pathways do however involve such factors. Either way, you will be the best person to judge as to whether you can identify with the topic of this post.
Even for those of you who might not associate with gambling being used as some sort of company, it may still feel that there are some more conscious ‘justifiable’ reasons why you should stick to the gambling. Typical examples are:
Needing to win money back
A ‘final win’ is needed to repay people or debts held at financial institutions or other
Needing to have the fun and the rush that gambling provides
Not wanting to have to feel bored, low or anything else difficult
Get’s rid of that restless feeling
Just like gambling – nothing else can really compete
There could also be things surrounding the gambling that becomes a part of the attraction and that makes it seem like great company
Some of the gambling hubs offer great camaraderie, a fun vibe, a sense of acceptance, a bubble of thinking just about gambling and for some people who struggle at home – simply a place to hang out may be attractive enough.
Paradoxically, gambling can sometimes make you feel like you want to pursue it alone. If you catch yourself in moments thinking that you want to be all alone with the gambling, be aware that this is exactly how addictions work on the mind. I would almost go so far as to argue, that this in itself is a sign of an unhealthy relationship developing with your gambling. Just like when you fall in love with someone, you want to see or think of nothing other than them. This restricted attention is one of the impacts of dopamine. The trouble is, that similarly to those who toss their friends to the side, or fail to see the bad parts of new partners, in the beginning of a romantic relationship, once the gambling turns on you- you will be left with nobody to lean on. Gambling takes away everything. And gives nothing back.
The point to take away here, is that gambling might act on both conscious and subconscious motivations. It is equally important that you start becoming aware of both!
How gambling becomes a habit used to avoid loneliness – but instead ends up maintaining it
Part of being an addicted gambler is the ‘narrowing of one’s life’, in every possible way….
Family and friends may fall away after you let them down and can’t stick to your word
Jobs get lost
opportunities gets passed up on
hobbies or interests take a back seat.
This all contributes to leaving gambling at the centre stage of life. This is usually not intentional at all – but a typical effect of addiction.
One of the many troubles with this, is that when you are then stuck on gambling, and need those other things to take you away from the addiction; gambling might be the one and only thing you still have left!
But it does feels less lonely with the gambling…
With an established habit of gambling, it does actually provide a bit of a buffer from the loneliness. Well, at least in the short term. As you probably have found out, this reprieve is both a false and highly temporary sensation, since any positives derived, are soon going to be replaced by the longer term consequences. The minute your last penny goes down the chute of the slot machine, those staff who were so friendly no longer seems to care. The wins will stop. The excitement will turn to despair. Your stress of chasing after that good feeling will make you feel utterly out of control and desperate
And if you argue that you have made friends when you were gambling; once you quit you will be able to tell the ‘gambling buddies’ apart from the real friends.
When you then take the gambling away, you might suddenly feel that you are left with nothing.
Loneliness can make people feel ashamed – it is as though the feeling itself suggest that you are not worthy enough of company. It makes you feel more likely to look at others through the lens of ‘everybody else must be feeling so much more connected’. When that self-hating inner critic has a say in the matter, it is quite likely going to suggest that you aren’t deserving of better and that the only way to be less lonely is to create something external that people can be attracted to. To make the loneliness go away. These masks that people assume will sadly make the loneliness a fact.
Underneath that shielding, there is nobody getting through. Nobody can connect with a false version of who we really are inside. Even if they think they are connecting with you, in your heart you will know better, and draw the conclusion that they don’t know the true you anyway. And so the loneliness persists….
Loneliness has a message for you – you are just not listening to it….
Loneliness is a feeling that we all feel from time to time.
When we feel lonely we experience a sense of disconnect from people around us and it feels as though nobody cares or thinks about us.
Most people would agree that it is not a nice feeling to experience.
We may feel invisible, unheard and unimportant. One of the many challenges with loneliness, is that it makes us feel like running even further from ourself and our feelings. This causes us to feel even worse, since the feelings inside of us end up remaining unheard. Our tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings can often be so strong, that it blocks any motivation to want to understand or explore further what the feeling is actually about.
Some people will apply ‘busyness’ and activities that prevents them from ever having to sit with themselves and actually feel their feeling. This can be a powerful way of preventing that ‘lonely feeling’ in the short term, but usually ensures that it persists long term through preventing inner fulfilment and deep growth.
There is often this belief that loneliness automatically diminishes if we are surrounded by other people. In reality, loneliness can be experienced when you are with others, or when you are alone. Rather than it being a reflection of how many people we are hanging out with at any given moment, loneliness is more related to how connected we feel with ourselves and others. If we can’t tap into our own feelings, give them some attention and/or validate our own needs – we will definitely feel lonely. We have abandoned ourselves and are running away from our emotional needs.
HOW TO TACKLE LONELINESS…. In a way that actually works
So instead of maintaining loneliness, whilst trying to block feelings (through the use of more gambling) let’s take a look at how you can actually relate to your loneliness and begin to deal with it in a constructive way.
Listen to your feelings!!
What are they really communicating to you? Are there any needs that you are neglecting within? If they are telling you that you need more company in your life- perhaps there are some constructive ways of trying to make that happen going forward? Is there something that you can do for yourself to feel calmer, more validated and looked after?
Connect with old friends and make a habit of responding when people are in touch
Not only does it make you feel more connected, but it also prevents the nasty feeling of ‘buildup’ of tasks left undone that is such a common occurrence amongst gamblers. Make a habit of being in touch with people regularly even if it is just a small check-in.
Adhere to a normal day/night cycle and rhythm of life
This one may sound strange. I am mentioning it due to the numbers of people I see who are gambling at night, sleeping during the day, and by doing so miss out on seeing both daylight and other people. This massively increases a sense of isolation from the rest of society and hightens a feeling of being ‘abnormal’ and ‘dysfunctional’. Unless you carry a night job, this is an intervention that you can rule over entirely by yourself. You simply decide to do it, and if you are really out of rhythm; adjust one hour per day as though you are recovering from jetlag.
Make a habit of leaving your house daily
During isolation times of 2020 this has been a major issue. Far too many people have been spending all their time indoors, meeting with nobody and becoming a bit ‘institutionalised’ in their own homes. Do know that human beings need contact and we are not designed to sit all by ourselves for long durations of time, even if there are many people who are happy to be on their own and are not too bothered. We still need interaction! During the last lockdown I remember feeling all jazzed when I ordered my first coffee over a counter in the high street and felt excited with butterflies ahead of seeing my first clients ‘live’ in clinic again. Social deprivation is a real thing and one that we need to be aware of!
Create new networks through hobbies, interests and through wholesome activities
This one might be more challenging right now in the midst of pandemic isolation, but you would be surprised the amount of positive communities, hobby groups etc you can find even online. I have a client who draws online in a small group, another that attends book circles and many who meet up for a social drink together over zoom. If there is a will there is a way!
Get professional help
Battling with gambling is really difficult and professional help is usually required to overcome some of the challenges. If there is no treatment services or help available in your area, read my blog posts, connect to gamblingtherapy.org (an online product from Gordon Moody that offers international assistance and practical help) and try and extract as much knowledge and psychoeducation that you can get your hands on to help yourself. Other support options: Go to Gamblers anonymous meetings and get support from people in similar predicaments. Try and join an online forum/support networks Twitter, Reddit and Facebook
Start to open yourself up gradually & Increase connection through authenticity to yourself and your values
Drop your mask and start becoming more authentic. This is THE solution for loneliness. When you begin to open up, people open up to you. When others open up to you- the realisation that we are all the same can begin. We are one big mass of people who are all wired in very similar ways, all go through a similar set of emotions, think similar thoughts and try to avoid the same type of feelings. We are not separate! The minute you can begin to feel your own power, you will diminish the power that the addiction holds over you. Start this in small segments and build up. Start by naming (to yourself only for now) one good thing or value that you wish to stand for. Then one small intention that can get you nearer that value – and then try to live by it daily. Practice until it sticks and then add on from there.
Release the shame and discomfort that comes from isolating yourself with your gambling problelms
Shame has the power of distancing you from everybody. It prevents people from reaching out for help and from opening up, even to close friends. The fear of being vulnerable feels so overwhelming that it feels natural to push connections away. Doing so creates a hollowness in which an addiction can grown uncontained. Connecting with others, on the contrary, creates a sense of warmth and love within. It acts like garlic to a vampire – the addiction can’t get through it. It thrives in the cold and hollow void that is your doubts, fears and mistrust of who you really are.
In the lead-up to a new year, I am wishing you all a very nice last couple of days of a very difficult year. Perhaps try and use some of the techniques above to plan for a better and brighter 2021!
Happy new year!
Annika X