Facing your own denial about gambling addiction: how to stop arguing with reality and start letting go…
Coming to terms with your addiction is not just about having a one-off moment of insight that you are indeed addicted, even if becoming aware is an crucial first step. Fully accepting that you have an addiction, tends to be a bit of a process- and often not a linear one!
Often, people oscillate between having moments of great clarity paired with a high level of commitment for recovery, and can then swing right back to the other extreme, which is a state of denial and strong resistance to change. This is normal and expected. It does however cause some problems for people in terms of motivation and ability to understand what is going on. It makes you look at yourself and think …
‘what the heck is wrong with me, didn’t I just reach this same conclusion a few weeks/months/years ago- and now I am here again’
It can also make other people think…
‘he/she is not serious, they did say there were going to quit and clearly they didn’t mean a word of it..here we are again…. They will never ever change’
Both of these reactions are perfectly understandable and reasonable. However, if you dissect things a bit further, you will realise that this type of fluctuation in insight and motivation to change is exactly what the addiction is all about. The inability to put mind over matter all the time, even if you can do it some of the time. The loss of control over your own behaviour , as well as the massive swings between high commitment and utter denial.
It is all symptomatic of addiction,. The understanding of this is critical for your recovery and how you communicate about your problems to people around you.
You are not making any sense – because your behaviours are not based on logic!
So, how can you begin to wrap your head around the fact that you have lost control and that the control is never going to come back?
How can you consistently stay with the understanding that you do not need to, and cannot afford to gambling?
Below I have listed some some important steps to go through whenever your motivation is letting you down, and the ‘emotional brain’ threatens with a hi-jacking drama- which will inevitably lead you to a place of pain again:
# START TO MONITOR YOUR ACTUAL GAMBLING BEHAVIOUR AND INCREASE YOUR CONNECTION WITH REALITY!
I say ACTUAL for a reason. Addicted gamblers (as well as people addicted to other things of course), have a remarkable ability to remain in denial about what they are vs what they are not doing. I often see people getting so gung-ho about the changes they want to make, that they believe they are making them, before they make a single change to their behaviour.
I also see gamblers selectively blocking out their losses whilst magnifying the memories of wins. This type of attentional bias is also a common and well established part of gambling addiction, and something you need to be aware off so that you can catch yourself out.
This is why monitoring and tracking your gambling is so important. Painful- yes! But necessary. It is through the tracking of your gambling that you end up with a track record. A truthful real picture of of your net losses, as well as the discovery that your gambling is erratic, out of control, and that the trajectory is always going to be going downhill over the longer term. Gamblers will try to apply a myopic attitude to their wins/losses a lot of the time. When this happens, you can bank on it being because you recently had a win that you are trying to inflate the importance of. Forcing yourself to face up to the true nature of your ‘curve’ means you will have little choice but to notice that the net result is definitely a loss!
This track record is something I have nagged a lot about in earlier blogs and will always keep coming back to. Yes, it is going to be a potentially very painful awakening, but one worth having! Continue to delude yourself, and you might be at rock bottom by the time the penny drops. If you are still gambling at large, start jotting down each day the wins, losses and all of the bets you put on. Don’t sugarcoat it, don’t skimp on the real numbers when it comes to your losses. Be truthful even when it hurts like hell.
If you have already stopped, which is of course the ideal condition, then you can begin drawing a graph which reflects the direction of your recovery. To make it more positive - make an upward line for each day that you are gambling free and a downward one if you end up having a bet. You can get creative here and construct a visual cue that can help you moving in the right direction. Graph, plot, give yourself golden stars or rewards; do what you need to do but make it inspiring for yourself to stay away from the gambling!
# CATCH YOUR EARLY TRIGGER THOUGHTS
Many people get horrified when they realise that even after a period of abstinence, they still hear their minds suddenly start producing intrusions about going back to gambling. Sometimes there is a sense that the mind is ‘peppering’ with thoughts of having a bet, and other times it is much more subtle and sporadic. Either way, it is important to remain aware that thoughts are thoughts.
They do NOT necessitate you taking any action in any way at all, and they most certainly do not require another return to gambling in order to vanish again. In fact, if you do as they say and ‘give them attention and importance’ they will act like bullies and come back for more.
Try and starve them for attention and they will typically diminish over time. Even if they still come back occasionally, you will become more confident in your ability to resist the compulsion to take action. If you do not pay attention to your thoughts, there is a strong likelihood that you will remain in blissful ignorance or denial about your risks. Having a thought of gambling is not the same as making a return to gambling as a behaviour. Do not forget this. Not paying attention to the thoughts will however make it far more likely that you fail to put important barriers in place should you in fact start having more frequently arising trigger thoughts.
# BLOCK YOURSELF FROM GAMBLING SITES AND DISRUPT YOUR ACCESS TO MONEY
If you were an alcoholic and had decided to quit drinking – chances are you’d realise that you need to stop keeping lining up bottles at home and hoping for the best. .Likewise, if you were drug addicted, it would seem fairly evident that getting rid of dealer numbers would be a handy first step. When it comes to gambling (and other behavioural addictions) the stigma and denial is such, that even those who are themselves addicted, sometimes query whether it should really be necessary to be so rigid about money restrictions and blocking software for gambling sites. The answer is YES IT IS NECESSARY! Whilst there is no substance ‘entering’ the brain, as in the case with alcohol and drugs, the reaction internally is every bit as powerful. This is how and why gambling addiction is listed in the Diagnostic manual for mental health conditions as an addiction. Because the neural circuitry mimics that of other addictions.
Even if you seemingly are currently abstinent; it should be no question that the preoccupation and impact is extremely powerful. As anyone who is themselves addicted or for those who have watched addicted gamblers engage in gambling, this will be evident. Yet, the stigma is usually even higher with behavioural addictions, and even gamblers themselves often do not understand how on earth they are not able to rule over their own behaviours. This makes gamblers very prone to increased self-hatred and victims of self-judgment and sometimes judgment from others. It is difficult for people to not view the return to gambling ‘here and there’ as anything other than betrayal. It is betrayal of course but it is also at the very core of your addiction. I am not saying this to create an excuse for you to keep on with the gambling- quite the opposite. It is so you can be made aware of the absolute seriousness of your condition and put up barriers accordingly!
The barriers that you put in place to stop you from gambling are an absolute cornerstone of your rehabilitation from your addiction. They are the equivalent of a rock hard cast applied to a broken leg- it is there so that you cannot move it even when you really want to!
If you fail to put up barriers and keep these avenues open, you can almost be certain that sooner or later (during a moment of temporary flutters or weakness) you will fall prey again.
Why do this to yourself when you can just as well ensure that you block all sites and arrange so that you never have access to any significant sums of money.
I know that taking this step gets met with considerable reluctance from gamblers and that it evokes all sorts of questions. I have written a blog post where this topic is elaborated on in further detail here
Taking this step is one of the most straightforward, yet most resisted steps amongst gambling addicts. The minute the denial creeps back up, it would seem so tempting to drop your guards and hope for the best. Try and recognise that doing so is putting you at extreme risk of having a lapse and the consequences of such can be devastating.
# BRING ON NEW ACTIVITIES AND ALTERNATIVE ACTIONS IMMEDIATELY ( do not wait for the gambling to be ‘out of the way’ first )
When leaving the gambling behind, there is usually a large chunk of surplus time and mental space that suddenly gets freed up. This might at first sound attractive- but this is usually not the case at all. Certainly not if you are still struggling with withdrawals, cravings and constant thoughts about the gambling. In the beginning of your recovery, very much the same rules apply as in the beginning of a break up: Try to keep yourself busy. Not so busy that you are deliberately avoiding your feelings, but busy enough to be able to acknowledge that life without gambling can also be very fun and stimulating. Having a routine and a daily plan is definitely going to be important.
Trading in some crappy shifts at the gambling venues (or in front of your computer if you gamble online) for an even worse experience of staring into space on your couch at home whilst ruminating on past losses – is not going to be a recipe for success in your future recovery! You will need to make your life fun again and this involves taking an active part in building it up again.
One excuse that I have heard many times is ‘no I can’t do that until I am free from gambling…’ This line of reasoning is understandable- but ends up becoming a huge mistake.
You don’t get rid of the gambling by leaving it in a vacuum to fester- you are more likely to get rid of it by squeezing it out by adding other, more meaningful activities, actions and connections!!
# Ensure that you keep up the journey towards acceptance – let go a little every day
Once you have taken the steps listed above, you might start to feel a bit more in control over your destiny. The gambling is controlled from a few different angles, and even if it tries to ‘sneak its way back in’ on occasions, there are some barriers in place to stop it from causing a lapse. There may be genuine nostalgia and also feelings of ‘euphoric recall’ during which you totally glorify the gambling experiences from your past. You might really struggle to come to terms with the losses that you had. Losses can be in the form of money, but can of course also involve human relationships, jobs, time, opportunities and lot of other things that have been meaningful to you. Many of these losses will sometimes remind you of why you must never gamble again. During such times they might assist you.
During other times, those same negative consequences might cause you to backtrack and suddenly get stuck in the fantasy that more gambling could help you sort out some of these problems that gambling caused to start with.
Be very mindful of this delusion, as it can cause a serious temptation to return for more gambling. You might feel a sense of ‘clinging’ inside your mind, and the compulsion to return can be very powerful, even at times when your logic says otherwise. Try to let go a little at the time. Perhaps one day you can release the need to gamble to make money. Another day you will release the need to be part of a gambling ‘community’. On yet another day you can attempt to release the need to win back your losses. How do you do this? There is no magic here. It is a series of small decision that you have to make, and a commitment towards yourself to no longer use gambling for any of your needs.
But letting go little by little at the time can be a lot gentler on your system than the pressure of doing it all at the same time.
This is another reason why you need to follow the steps above about disrupting access to money and gambling venues. It takes a lot of time before you start feeling whole again. In the meantime, you don’t want to risk going back and ripping the wounds open yet again. Allow the healing to take time and remember that when you leave something behind, you are opening the door for more exciting, much better things to come into your life again.
Good luck in your recovery
Annika X