Why do I sabotage my recovery when things are going well?
Having written quite a few blogs posts on how and why people relapse when things get tough, emotionally overwhelming, or on the back of feeling bored and in need of a thrill- it would seem like high time to include a post on a slightly more mind-boggling phenomenon; namely to start setting the scene for a lapse when life is finally going well! If you identify with this – you will probably be able to recognise that this type of relapse not only leads to the ‘regular’ pain that any relapse would induce. It also raises concerns about long term recovery on a whole other level and creates a sense of doubt in yourself and your ability to ever conquer your addiction.
It leaves you thinking…
‘if I cannot even abstain when things are going well –
how the heck will I ever be able to protect myself from falling back on gambling? ‘
Since feeling good was all that you wanted this entire time-you now start wondering what on earth the point is to do anything at all, since relapsing seem to be the end result regardless.
Let’s make one thing clear right from the beginning. It is not that we want to make your life worse for you again, in order to be safe from the re-emergence of gambling longer term. If you are someone who frequently lapse when things are going great however, it may be worth exploring what the factors are that compels you to return to pain the minute things start progressing nicely for you and actually feel pretty good. Over the years I have seen countless of clients who immediately as their life takes a turn away from the mediocre or even crap conditions they have existed in during active addiction (and often also before), compulsively return to some form of self-sabotage in order to achieve the old baseline. When this keeps happening, there is no wonder people start doubting their abilities and longer term prospects.
General examples of self-sabotage
The clearest example of this phenomenon I have ever stood to witness was during my years running groups in London for homeless gamblers. One of the greatest complaints, obviously, of why life couldn’t move on for them, was the absence of a stable place to live. Yet, after working incredibly hard to get off the streets and entered housing, a large portion of them found themselves looking for excuses to return to rough sleeping. In fact – many of them even took the step to make themselves homeless again. This type of behaviour might look quite twisted, if not stupid, from the outside looking in. But when examining the motives closer, what emerged is that the fear of starting a life of accountability, responsibility and even more frighteningly, a life of stability and happiness– were so misaligned with their previous lives and comfort zones that it seemed logical for them to set themselves back rather than addressing the fears associated with moving forwards.
Another common example, that is pretty prevalent in the therapy rooms, is the client (gambler or otherwise) who after a long history of bad relationships, get into habit of sabotaging any relationship with a healthy partner that treats them well. Excuses of the relationship appearing ‘boring’ ‘predictable’ or lacking in ‘chemistry’ are given as reasons for ending relationships that have been ticking all the boxes for the kind of partner that person has been expressing a liking for all along.
It raises the question;
Why do some people sabotage a good thing even when intellectually they know that the gambling, the drama, the negativity and the ups and downs do not make for the happy or a stable existence they worked so very hard for?
Why people self-sabotage:
Some common reasons why people self-sabotage are:
Low self -esteem and/or lack of confidence in oneself and one’s ability
Feeling unworthy of success and not deserving of things going well
When things go badly it feels uncomfortable of course- but at least this is more familiar (on the flipside things going well feel unreal and scary and novel- if not outright painful). As humans we like what we know- it makes us feel that we can master it. In this context it only acts to hold you back and prevents you from letting go of old dysfunctional behaviour patterns.
Fear of failure often sets in if one was to really commit to something, and on the other hand, fear of success can trigger so many worries about how things will become in a far off future that they forget to working at the stage where they currently find themselves
Committing properly to things can be scary as materialising goals require accountability (and accountability can make us fearful)
It is hard to feel settled and comfortable with things going well if all
you ever knew since you were young was drama, unpredictability, and highs and lows…
Why do I need to know about this stuff?
You may not be someone who has fallen into this trap- in which case this blog post might feel excessive for you. For many gamblers, the years of living with addiction will however have taken a toll on self-worth. Additionally, living with the highs and lows of the gambling addiction can easily strengthen a terrible template for how ‘dynamic’ life should feel. On the ‘comedown’ from these feelings after quitting, it is not at all uncommon to hear gamblers mention that although they are deeply satisfied about no longer gambling, there is a felt lack of purpose that sets in. In reality, this is in no way an indication that the gambling was contributing in a good way. Rather, it is an indication of how used you might have got to a rollercoaster lifestyle that now you stepped off of it – you don’t recognise that standing still and moving slow can be quite nice and comfortable. Knowing how to identify your forms of self-sabotage so that you can stop them in their track is a very helpful way of preventing future agony on your journey in recovery.
How would self-sabotage manifest in gambling recovery?
Starting to look at odds and stop using blockers for money/gambling sites as soon as you have started mastering your abstinence
‘just checking’ if you can yet again carry your card as you feel pretty good
Going back in to ‘just check’ if you can withstand the urges by for example visiting a casino or a bookmaker despite not even feeling like gambling
Starting to obsess and ruminate about past negative events almost deliberately- particularly at times when you are actually moving forward or feeling that things are coming together
Seeking out individuals who brings you down and create doubt in yourself and your future recovery. Texting old exes or people who are still gambling, or people who are known to bring you down and make you feel like you will never be free of gambling.
·Creating disputes, arguments and discomfort in relationships with the hidden purpose of creating basis for future excuse making and ‘justification’ for a return to gambling
There are many more.. try and see if you can spot your own!
so WHy do I do it?
In order to help you understand self-sabotage from a deeper psychological perspective, let’s dive into your past a little bit and begin asking yourself some important questions:
These questions can help you understand where the psychological ‘programming’ went a bit wrong, and were a template of feeling out of control, unworthy and/or in a state of negativity and reactivity became the norm:
Did my surrounding environment as a child lead me to believe that existing in a constant state of survival was the norm? For example; were my parents unresponsive, neglectful or unpredictable in terms of their love or attention? Was love offered on a conditional basis and only on someone else’s terms? Did I constantly have to watch my step in fear of anger/abuse/other peoples’ addictions?
Is it possible that my early experiences of negative ‘drama’ and high intensity were so commonplace that I took it for ‘normal’?
Do I have any situations in my personal history where living in stability and without ‘peaks’ of emotional intensity have had positive associations attached to it?
Would I know what ‘a good life’ or ‘good standards’ would look or feel like given my personal experiences and history? (if your answer is no, there is nothing to be ashamed of here but it is important to recognise this about yourself)
These questions may generate some painful truths. Please do not think that it was your fault that you ended up with these wounds, but also know that passing blame at this point won’t bring any gains. The purpose of understanding how you may have developed your ‘lifestyle templates’ is purely so that you can begin to recognize where an old defunct system is still controlling your current conditions through habits that were learnt at a different time era. As an adult you know have a real chance in deciding for yourself how you want your future to unfold. Some habits are so deeply instilled in us that only through conscious awareness and deliberate ‘re-programming’ can we begin to change them. Doing so is difficult but always worthwhile!!
How to uncover the fears that maintain the felt ‘need’ for self-sabotage:
In order to discontinue any behaviour that isn’t serving us well, we often need to understand it better and become more aware of what short-term payoffs our behaviour is having for us. On the reverse, we also need to understand why doing the right thing and changing our behaviour patterns for the positive may bring about some serious discomfort in the short term.
Not understanding this may result in continuing to do what most gamblers have already done far too much of- namely allowing their feelings to dictate their actions.
Try and ask yourself the following questions and try and take note of your answers.
How does it feel for me when things go well in my life? Am I totally comfortable with the feelings that it brings up?
If I didn’t need to attend to drama and intensity at all times, what underlying difficulties (and potentially painful processes) within myself would I be needing to attend to?
If I hold proper standards, good goals and directions that I commit to- what fears do I have to face up to on my journey forwards?
What excuses/self-critical thoughts enter my mind when I try to visualise the things I really want for myself in life?
It might also be useful to explore to what extent you even possess the knowledge and experience required to tell healthy from unhealthy.
Whilst this may come across as a bit condescending, please know that it is not meant that way at all. It just means that if you are a person who do not have healthy experiences in the past, you might need some help from others in forming new healthy templates for what ‘healthy’ looks like until you know it from within yourself. In simpler terms- people are quite likely to continue to seek out the conditions that they have got used to. The challenge is to increase your awareness to a level where you also start observing the tendencies of your subconscious mind, which is likely to play a critical role in your self-sabotage. Once you realise that you are compulsively engaging in self-sabotage and what those behaviours may look like; here are some things that you can do to help yourself:
HOW TO OVERCOME IT and START THE ‘RE-PROGRAMMING’:
# Spend some time readjusting your standards and goals If you wanted to travel to a new destination – you wouldn’t trust that you knew how to get there without consulting other people or hearing from those who had travelled on those roads before. Try and recognise (with as little self-critique as possible) that you are not used to existing in calm, stable conditions and that you potentially don’t know very well what it is like when things go your way. When things get stable – you therefore get anxious, uneasy and feel as though something is ‘missing’. If we broke it down, quite likely the missing bits boils down to adrenaline, cortisol with a sprinkle of dopamine. These neurotransmitters all have powerful effect on our moods and motivation, and it is very important that you recognise that just because you are craving for them- doesn’t mean it pays off nicely to have a ‘hit’ from them What you need to do instead, is to teach your brain that feeling good and stable can create different states of satisfaction, joy, gratitude and happiness. They tend to feel more wholesome and deeply fulfilling, and whilst they may lack in a sensation of ‘spikes’ they last much longer and cause no harm.
# When about to embark on a familiar self-sabotage behaviour; stop and ask yourself : Is this what someone who truly loves themselves would be doing? This forces you to look at your situation from more objective position (instead of through your own lens of childhood wounds) and reassess your reaction/response. This is a great technique that can be used in a wide range of situation to retrain your judgment of what behaviours are constructive vs destructive.
#if you don’t stop doing this now – when will you ever? This is a good way of recognising that you are on to a potentially never ending trend and that you are the only person who can stop the situation from taking over your life once again. From the time you choose to accept that the baggage we carry from our early days indeed play a role in our current behaviours and expectations of life and ourselves, we can also begin to see that it is you, and only you who can begin to make these changes, and you may as well start now rather than generating more suffering or wasting any more of your precious energy.
# start to gently getting yourself used to doing well and familiarise yourself with how it feels to feel good Take stock with the improvements you are making at all times, but also allow yourself adequate space and time to get comfortable with this ‘new normal’. Don’t force yourself into situations that are too challenging too soon even if they are aligned with your long term dreams and goals. Instead make sure that you take small steps on a regular basis so that you keep the momentum but have a chance of digesting the new feelings associated with doing well! Try to label the new feelings and experiences to yourself and try and see how they compare to ‘old’ feelings and experiences. See how they differ in quality, but also be honest to yourself if there is struggles and difficulty in accepting the loss of the old ones since they would have felt exciting and fulfilling at times, even if with hindsight you know they were never sustainable.
most important of all, remember you too deserve a stable life, where you feel good and take care of yourself as a high value individual; just as much as anyone else!
Good luck in your continued recovery!
With love,
Annika
IMAGE BY ‘SELBYDATE’ 2020 All rights reserved
