When you can’t trust yourself anymore; the slippery slope of believing you can keep gambling ‘a little bit’
A few words on ‘controlled gambling’…..
A very common trap for gamblers trying to quit, is the idea that they might be able to return to gambling in moderation at some point in the near or far future. To take part in so called ‘controlled gambling’. This is particularly prevalent amongst those who have been working in jobs that are effectively gambling, such as trading, investment professionals, day-traders, spread-betters etc, although if you are in that group you might feel resistant to even call it gambling. This can of course also apply to addicted gamblers who engage in other forms of gambling. Many would argue that the proof of their remaining control, can be found in the fact that they can go for long periods of time without gambling. This is a similar type of reasoning I often hear from my alcohol-addicted clients, who claim that their ability to abstain for a month ‘here and there’ makes their relationship with alcohol less problematic than those for whom drinking is a daily dependency. Yes, I agree there may be less of a dependence; i.e., they don’t need it to get through the day. Does it make it less harmful or problematic? Not really.
You can do all the same damage with this type of drinking/gambling! The fact that it happens in ‘bouts’ or ‘blowouts’, rather than spread over more days is not the main differentiator between a problem and a ‘non-problem’. If you are trying to stop yourself from gaining weight; you are not going to be more successful because you are saving the intake of goodies to one major binge every week. The weight will still pile on.
Your control may not be lost in the sense that you cannot be without your vice for a day at the time. But overtime your control is still impaired if you keep going back to an activity , knowing that this behaviour causes you problems and brings misery to your life and those around you.
If there was a difference, (observable for me as a therapist anyway) it would be that those who are in the ‘dependent’ group (engage in daily/regular gambling) often suffer more damage (and often come from a place of more damage) to their general coping skills. Gambling here act as a crutch, and with that ends up carrying more utility for the person. From an addiction point of view- I still think it is important to recognise that both patterns have their own set of negative consequences and that the overlap of damage in both groups is still huge.
Image by ‘Selbydate’ 2020
But the thought of abstinence feels so hard…
The idea of being a bit concerned (or even put off) by the idea of cutting out gambling entirely, is not a strange phenomenon at all. It is easy to understand that taking the massive step to quit entirely feels overwhelming for many, and that it is tempting to think that gambling ‘a little bit here and a little bit there’ is going to work. Remember you might be removing one of your main ways of ‘coping’ (terrible a mechanism as it has been!), having fun, feeling part of something and the only way you know how to ‘manage’ difficult thoughts and feelings. You might even feel that you are removing your only hope of ever breaking even, despite the fact that this is one grand illusion.
The pain of quitting and letting go is real. It causes withdrawals, overwhelming anxiety, sadness, grief and pain. The many years of suppressed and avoided emotion are threatening to erupt like a volcano that has been brewing for years. It is scary! Here is what you need to know so that you can still motivate yourself in the right way, rather than ending up using the ‘comforts’ of moderate, ‘controlled’ gambling as a way to soothe your pain of letting it go.
Let’s first revisit some of the common illusions that might continue to drive you to think you can keep gambling - just more safely
# I know I can give it up entirely, it is just that I actually also love to gamble. It feels like such a shame that I should have to stop entirely when it also gives me so much pleasure and some of the time it actually doesn’t lead to a bad place…isn’t it …?
Well…it does seem to give you a fun time, but the whole point is that you can’t control yourself when you actually get going. The control you might have had at some earlier point is definitely gone. How do I know it is gone? Because you would not be sitting here reading this otherwise. I have said the following words in almost every talk that I ever did on gambling problems:
It has never happened that someone came to see me for ‘suspected gambling problems’ and walked out having established that there wasn’t actually one! On the flipside, I can think of far too many people who came in because other people felt there was a problem, and the person just wanted to ‘make sure’ there wasn’t one- and indeed it didn’t take many minutes to establish there was a problem.
If you still feel that you are in some sort of ‘grey-zone’ , where gambling may be about to become an issue, then you might still have a window of REAL opportunity for you to stop while you are still with your mental health, family, funds etc. still reasonably intact. Grab that opportunity and get going! Do read some daily horror stories online, go to a GA meeting or do what you need to do to get aware. Know that this can be you. You might feel you are smarter, better, more savvy, a little more ‘able’ than others who have fallen prey and are now at rock bottom. None of this is going to matter much on the levels where it actually does matters! Partners, family members, the bank, your employer…none of these people are going to think you are any less an addicted gambler than anybody else whose behaviour pattern was identical to your own. If the control over your gambling has been lost or if you are an investor/trader for whom the gambling is now a chase for emotional mount-everests, or a quest to get money ‘back’ I can guarantee you that it will be a wise call to end your activities right away.
# Yes sure, I did lose control a bit but that’s because I haven’t been properly focused on maintaining my control… I think if I just decide a sum and that’s all I can gamble for, then it might actually work for me….
This one reeks of denial, and I am sure that many of you who have been there are already familiar with the ‘illusion of control’ as it is one of the very core features that is seen in addicted gamblers. In brief, the idea that factors around the gambling such as specific behaviours, the presence of your ‘lucky items’, ‘techniques’ etc. are going to fundamentally change your outcome. This is so far from the truth already in most forms of gambling; particularly in slots, roulette, sports bets etc. (which are random games with odds stacked against you) but more importantly you are never going to ‘make it’ on any form of gambling/trading/investing as long as you are driven by emotion. The involvement of emotion means by default that you will be unable to cut losses appropriately, know when to fold, and will feel driven by excitement and urges to keep going at times when the unemotional gamblers would without difficulty be calling it a day. You cannot go from getting emotional about this activity to having no emotion anymore. It is about as likely as being the bestest of friend with the ex who cheated on you and beat you up. It could work for a day but the betrayal is going to fizzle underneath and get you sooner or later.
It is a bit like having a diagnosis of cancer but thinking you can opt out of the cell division. Your gambling problem has its core in your loss of control and this is what makes your ‘illness’ one that requires treatment. You cannot have one without the other. If you don’t believe me, you can review your past and judge for yourself. This is a very powerful strategy to force yourself out of denial.
Forgiving oneself for the pitfalls
I have said this before. Please do not beat yourself up about this. It is not weird, weak, and pathetic or any of those terrible labels I hear gamblers call themselves. It is however HUMAN and a sign that you have feelings that prevent you from feeling that it is OK to watch the zillions go down a hole.
The trouble isn’t in the fact that you feel this stuff, the trouble is connected to the fact that you don’t see this clearly for what it is. A SIGNAL to end the activity!!! If something is starting to cause you stress, increased urging, preoccupation, loss of control and a sense of losing yourself and your worth- a negative feeling is an appropriate emotional response and one that should be listened to, acted on and used to create some strict boundaries for yourself. It is not a signal to override with clever intellectualised ideas for how you can start to overcome yourself and your past behaviours with more of the same thing!!
What will a proper break from gambling achieve for me?
# Peace of mind (at least following on from some early days of very difficult urges, doubts, anxiety and challenging thoughts)
The good thing is, that even at times when the thoughts and challenges to remain abstinent return intermittently, you can always take great comfort in knowing that you have stayed clear of the one thing that you know 100% will make your situation worse. That is something!!!
# A faster sense of recovery- even if the short term will feel more painful . How?
Because despite it being very difficult to implement, you are ensured that your path remains clean of further gambling interference. Regardless of what you have to overcome, you will learn to overcome it since you don’t see the gambling as an option anymore. It brings transformation and joy, greater than most addicted gamblers can even ever imagine. There is no greater feeling than knowing that you have your own back and can rely on yourself to take appropriate action when life throws you curve-balls!
# Motivation to do other things;
I have mentioned this many times before. When you keep resorting back to a highly stimulating activity such as gambling- it messes with our brain’s perception of how it should feel to have ‘fun’ or feel ‘good’. The feelings derived during a high in gambling has nothing at all to do with a wholesome sense of achievement, grounded happiness or trust in yourself. It is the opposite. It is like a wild kite that gets caught by the wind and the lead breaks- yes it will fly high for a number of minutes but who knows when it will crash land or return. When the wind no longer carries it, it will for sure land bruised and battered, and goodness knows where…. Ending your gambling behaviour is a far more useful way to start ‘training’ your brain to appreciate the right kind of actions and activities in life. It will take a bit of time, but you will definitely enjoy the feelings when you start gaining a momentum!
# The brain will have a hard time adapting, but it will adapt sooner than if you keep going back
Going back for a ‘touch’ of gambling here and there for whatever reason will not always set you back too much financially, but it does have some other unwished for effects that prolong your suffering. It brings on a renewed sense of denial, hope, disappointment and guilt. You will yet again reinforce a state where you feel less trusting of yourself. Some people will even begin to question their sanity for buying into the same triggers time and again. This is a very normal part of recovery, but there is no doubt that you will feel better once you cut the cord to the gambling and start refreshing your mind-habits as well. The more you are determined to not engage with the gambling, the less room are you going to be giving to it even mentally. This really matters as it frees up space for you to embrace other things in life in a healthier manner. The total absence of gambling can be a powerful catalyst to start changing, increasing other activities and to fill your life with other things. The thought of the gambling sitting there in the backseat waiting for another turn will make you far too lazy in your efforts of driving forward!
Intentions are important- but taking action and remaining open to changing your approach and being forgiving of yourself matters too
Not seldom do I hear gamblers ask questions such as ‘but for how long should I abstain?’ ‘Is it ok to just aim for an initial bout of 1 months to make it easier on the system?’ First, whatever you do is a really good start in my view. A month of abstinence may teach you some important lessons that you otherwise won’t get. Sometimes, that early time away from the gambling feels so good that it encourages further abstinence. For those of you who have gone to GA I know that ‘only for today’ is a good way to go as well. Getting through one day, feels considerably easier than thinking of a lifetime without gambling at a time when you are deep into the mud. Having a firm intention of doing right by yourself and no longer gambling is super important.
To set out the pathway for all foreseeable future may work for some, but can be a hindrance to others. As a treating professional, I do feel that the most important thing is to listen to the client. If a client tells me that they cannot make it work by lining themselves up for life-long abstinence, and they have shown time and again that such intentions don’t work for them – then I trust them.
I don’t have to understand whether you feel that way due to actually having tried, or whether this is part of your deep-seated denial about your condition.
In the end, you can only work with what’s available inside of you.
All I ask is that you take an honest look at your past and commit to not fall in the same traps repeatedly. This means, that if you have indeed tried to think of yourself as quite able to do regular bouts of gambling without losing control – but this strategy has failed= then there is your learning.
If on the other hand you have tried to think of abstinence in too black/white terms and ended up shaming yourself into major relapse, due to falling prey to an urge of betting a few pounds somewhere = the learning might be that you are being too inflexible with yourself.
Remember it is important to set intentions- but it is equally important to be able to adjust, accept and update as your strategy is being actioned. Just be careful not to be tempted by the common thought of ‘I’ve got this under control now- I am surely safe to return to gambling a bit by now’. Here is where I would advocate the metaphor of an allergy. You don’t lose your allergy to say peanuts because you stay away from them and live free of anaphylaxis for a while. The minute you eat them, you will know what they do to your system. You cannot touch gambling safely ever again and that needs to be your bottom line still.
I do find that setting healthy intentions and goals can also assist clients in mentally preparing for what they should be doing instead and for not viewing the gambling as an option. You don’t want to leave your choice of whether to be abstinent or not to chance. This is bound to make you a victim of circumstances, and you will go with the feeling ‘of the day’ when you make your choices. This is a dangerous way to act in addiction recovery. So in summary; set your intentions, aim for the best but be flexible if you mess up from time to time. Just get back on track with your actions towards recovery as soon as you catch yourself swerve off from your path.
(c) Annika Lindberg 2021 Headward.co.uk . all rights reserved. Image by ‘selbydate’ .