Gamblers' Questions: ‘How will I be able to live a normal life without having access to money?
One of the very first steps to take, after deciding to stop gambling, should definitely be to remove your access to money. This step, contrary to what many gamblers would like to believe, should not be viewed as something optional. Money is the currency with which you gamble, and therefore quite literally the route to your addiction. Drug users don’t recover well whilst in possession of drugs, alcoholics are unlikely to stay sober if they are sitting in a bar, and so with that same reasoning; You are unlikely to be keeping yourself safe from gambling as long as there is direct access to money.
One difference that gamblers face in trying to give up access to funds, is that you also NEED money to live whereas people could quite easily exist without both drinks and drugs. This is an argument that I get almost every time this topic gets discussed. I do of course agree that we are far more likely to require access to money than we are to ‘require’ alcohol or drugs. Still, I would want to make a case for the fact that you need access to money a lot less than you might realise at the moment. Particularly not the type of instant access that you might have got yourself used to through years of gambling.
Let’s look at this a bit closer.
When I suggest disrupting your access to money – I suggest starting with the following:
Immediately get rid of access to large funds. People gamble for different amounts. Some people would know in themselves that they only get triggered when there is a more substantial amount of money at hand. This tends to be the case for people who spread bets and engage in trading of any form. For such people, carrying £100 might be fairly safe. You would know if you fall into this category. If you are like most addicted gamblers, you might have far less control than that and be vulnerable even at extremely small amounts. For those of you who are frequenting bookies and slot machines- it could be a bad idea to have access to any more than a few pounds/dollars.
Do not carry cards that are not blocked for gambling. Frankly, do not carry any cards at all unless you have fixed limits on them! MONZO and some of the other digital banks have the benefit of having full control over your finances in addition to the blocking feature. You will not be able to go even one penny overdrawn and can therefore make sure that whatever is in your balance, is not more than you will need that day. If you need money to be transferred in, it is generally wise to put a reliable partner/friend/family member in charge of that process. Short of that, you could make sure that transfers are done in front of other people. At the very least, make sure that whatever bank id etc you require to get into the bank from which money is being transferred, is not present with you throughout the day in order to avoid a later ‘revisit’ to the account in a moment of yearning.
Additionally, I would recommend the following:
No credit lines
No PAYDAY loans
No thinking in terms of money that you could gather through gambling, earnings, bonuses or otherwise. Only the money that you have is worth planning for!
No borrowing from friends/colleagues/your children/spouses or partners
If in a job where you have access to money directly- ask to be redeployed or moved to a position where you no longer handle money This sounds like a drastic step perhaps but if you take a serious look at the individuals that have ended up in prison for gambling related theft/embezzlement etc you will find that the vast majority of them were just really great people like you, who found themselves in a spiral with their gambling. It is not worth taking that risk!!!
No planning for money that you still owe to someone else!
Money; the root of much evil for a gambler
Not only does money provide the means to gamble, but it is also one of the biggest triggers that lead to lapses..
Having no money can be problematic, as it makes you want to gamble to get some. Having lots of money isn’t going to help either as it creates a real good opportunity to place bets on. There is no safe zone when it comes to the possession of money for an addicted gambler except; live only on what you own and keep any large sums tied up away from daily access!
In clinic, I have often presented gamblers with a more personal parallel scenario of me walking down Kings Road in London with vs without money on my card/in hand. If I know that I have access to nothing, I won’t even bother going into the stores. (Not that we can anymore with the pandemic!) Neither will I spend time ‘salivating’ in front of a shop window. I will simply walk on by. This type of logic applies just as much to gambling. With money at hand, you will be far more likely to start up your familiar mental pattern of dreaming and fantasizing - a mental pattern that in no time will trigger a full-blown craving experience. Once this is happening; it is really hard to hold back!
We want to ensure we stop this behaviour in its track as early as possible; in this case right at its source. Before the money even enters your hands.
When I mention this to clients in therapy, it usually leads to a number of predictable excuses. The most common one is…:
‘But If I really want to gamble…..I can always find a way to get the money anyway. so really what’s the point in trying to restrict it in the first place…’
In the section here below, let’s take a look at how we can live a good life without any immediate access to money:
When I ran homeless gambling groups in London, we used to crack a joke:
‘if you ever want to see ‘great’ problem solving; look at gambler who is trying to get money together for another bet’
Some of the most ingenious ways of how to access money will suddenly be revealed. These could be anything from minor business ventures, lies that could be constructed, sob stories, or ways of cutting down on something else. I have seen some extraordinary attempts to generate money in these situations. It would seem that nothing is off limits, and above all, there is often confidence of the kind you will only see in someone who is truly determined that they are going to succeed in their mission.
On the contrary; Ask a gambler how they can assist themselves in barring access to money- and you frequently get a long silence…
We used to find this quite amusing, even if it is actually a very serious matter. We have to laugh at ourselves sometimes or else life gets too dull. But not without also appreciating the very real risks of this situation. The reason I am telling you this is so that you can call learn how to call out your own bluffs… As long as you were able to find a way for your gambling to persist (despite knowing very well that it was no longer affordable or wise) you are going to be able to be able to think of a plan for how you can buy the things you need, but without carrying surplus around. It is a very familiar style of thinking required- and only you know what those plans to get to the money would have been. So you will be able to think up a way to stop if from happening!
I recommend sitting down with yourself or a loved one and really brainstorming how to make this work. Trust me- it will be time well spent and once you have a system that works for you it can help eliminate a lot of stress and pressure from your life. Paradoxically to what you might currently believe, what once felt like a restriction will often end up feeling like liberation. Do not underestimate the empowering feeling of being safe from yourself!!
Here are some good ways that you can have your own money – without putting yourself at too much risk:
Operate with different accounts Have one current account which you do not have a card for. Give any electronic bank id to someone else to keep. You then make for example a weekly or monthly transfer from this account into a digital bank account (e.g. Monzo, Revolut etc) All debits happen in real-time and get registered and visible immediately. You will not be able to go overdrawn at all. You can also benefit from functions such as moving some of the money that is in your account over to a savings account from which you will need to allow about 24 hours to move even between accounts. This safeguards your money to a degree at least since most terrible decisions in gambling are those that happen during a session when you are already sucked into the losing spiral. At the very worst, you can only ever lose what is on your digital bank account which is already a lot better. The reason I keep going on about digital banks is that they manage your funds in real-time and do not allow for any fault margins whatsoever. On some of the current accounts, you might be able to quickly go overdrawn by several hundred pounds even if this is not in your agreement with your bank. I have seen this possibility get misused by numerous gamblers over the years in peak desperate moments!
Have someone else check your account regularly -if this does not cause inconvenience to the person who is checking Last thing we want is that they end up feeling further hard done by as a result of your gambling, or that they feel that you are at risk of ‘lashing out’ each time they remind you it is time to take a look. On a very serious note, I have seen a few tragic situations where someone had kindly offered to support with managing money and later ended up paying for it by ending up in the firing line for abuse in a moment when the gambler was desperate to place a bet. It does not take a bad person to end up treating a loved one unfairly during such a moment - so please make sure that you know yourself well before you put someone else in charge of accounts.
When money arrives in your account – ensure that all important and non-negotiable outgoings are sorted out immediately. Things like rent/mortgage, bills, repayment plans should be sorted out immediately. Any food money could be placed on store cards if this is possible or alternatively make a big food shopping as soon as you can so that you can only top up as the month continues. The quest is to have as little accessible money as possible!
Summary point: It is important to reflect on ways that does not require YOU to be in constant control and accountable for making the right decisions. Whilst we normally would want you to be accountable in every way possible during your recovery, here is one area where outsourcing some of that accountability at least to the point where you no longer rely on self-control only to keep yourself in recovery. I.e., if you cannot access your money, you can have a slip in self-control, and still be fine.
‘but I need to be a grown man/woman…’ and a few other excuses for why gamblers often object to changing the way their money is managed
The need to be a ‘grown’ adult when it comes to money is frequently used as an excuse to not ask for help and a reason to view the type of techniques used above as unnecessary or even at times ‘micro-managing’ and controlling. The question is… how good have you done so far when you did have control over funds? This is where you want to be extremely careful not to fool yourself. Most gamblers I have met with in my life would be extremely hopeful and optimistic in their hopes of managing money and still not gamble. Almost as many of those people have later had to backtrack on their stubborn attempts to make it without having to change anything to do with money supply. I cannot nag enough about the importance of coming out of your denial. Often, the only way to so is to take a long hard look at accounts or to query how valid a strategy the gambling really is as a means of recovering money, if your net balance is negative.
You are a better man/woman for being responsible! Trust one thing- you are going to feel way less manly the day you have to tell your partner that you spent the last dimes on gambling or worse; put you both in debt!
‘how can I ever live a normal life again [without direct access to money ] no point starting if I cant maintain it….’
This is where it may feel a bit tough. You are right in feeling that you will need to ‘live a normal life’ again. However, there needs to be acceptance for the fact that this problem will always be in the background. It may not be active. You might never gambler ever again. But it will remain a chronic vulnerability that we don’t want to take any risks upon. A bit like a once broken leg might be slightly reduced in terms of functioning, a gambling addiction will have an impact on your life in some ways. The aim is to make that impact as light as possible but still secure enough to ensure that the gambling does not ever re-emerge.
Therefore, you will need to face some hard facts:
You should never carry or have direct access to large sums of money and you will need to take a look at how your daily expenditures are managed
You should not work in jobs that are providing a risk for you to squander or use any of the workplace’s money for personal betting.
You must not take-out credit lines or borrow from people
You should not be storing savings in an accessible way.
If you sell an expensive item, say a car, or receive any kind of payment or bonus; you should plan ahead for this. These events might not cause any problems, but the trouble is they could. If they do, it is devastating.
When to start dropping the guard ….
One of the most commonly asked question I get from both gamblers and their families is ‘so when can we stop being vigilant with money and relax again?’ The short answer, that absolutely NOBODY wants to hear – is Never. You should never drop the guards completely. But there are several things you need to hear before you take this answer and go into a spiral of depressive thoughts. We are here talking about the practical barriers. This does not mean any of the following….
That you feel like your life is ‘blocked’
That you don’t have fun
That you can’t splash on anything
That you can never have fun ever again
That you cannot be your own man/woman
That you cannot meet a partner who still finds you worthwhile because you can’t look after money
Or that you are constantly going to live in a constant craving for a bet
It just means that you have RESPECT for your vulnerability. That you realise that access to money not only is a route towards gambling but also something that can act as a strong trigger to go back, even at times you would not have thought of it as such. It can enable people to do impulsive acts, just because… when without access to money those would never have taken place. It does not mean that you are to be looked down on or that you aren’t mature. If anything, this is what it means to be mature. You are taking proper responsibility for your behaviours and ensuring that the past cannot repeat itself.
Even if this list looks daunting initially- really look at it again. Is this impossible to accomplish hearing that these steps are necessary for you to preserve the finances for you and your family and your own mental health and peace of mind for all? NO!!! It really isn’t. You might have learnt to live one way in regards to money. Now you will need to change some of the old ways and re-learn how to do it whilst considering your addiction. Much the same as the earlier analogy with the broken leg. You would need to make some adjustments to it. Running at a top pace or buying a flat in a 10-story building with no lift may not be appropriate. But you will still be OK. If you don’t accept that things will have to change, you will risk forever going in circles and I promise that this will be a far more painful experience.
I hope you find this post helpful and keep up the good work in your recovery!
Annika