THE LOVED ONEs' SERIES Part 1. How can they not see that they are addicted?

It makes me so happy to receive emails of support for the blog from people around the world. It is an incredible feeling to be able to help people in all corners of the world through the difficulties of recovery. Increasingly, I have also been receiving emails from desperate family members trying to do their best to support their gambling-addicted partners and family members. The next few blog posts will be for them but of course, there is no stopping those of you who are gambling yourselves from reading them too.

‘Don’t call me gambler…I’m a professional’

Jonathan came to see me a couple of years ago. He was hesitant about therapy and told me almost immediately that he did not think it would be of help to him.

The reason was; he didn’t believe he had a problem. Did he gamble? Yes. He most definitely did.

Jonathan would spend approximately 10 hours of his day sitting on the sofa monitoring a variety of day trades, doing some spread-betting and now and then a little online roulette. He got pretty annoyed when I used the word gambling during the assessment. All of these labels that people kept applying to him just because he thinks differently from his peers and doesn’t live up to everybody else's expectations….

Jonathan was 26 years old. He had been a brilliant student at a business school and everyone had been hoping he would go straight to work for a successful company or maybe even set something up with a couple of friends. Sadly, the group of guys with whom he had made plans for a start-up business had all decided to go the ‘secure route’ and get regular jobs and were all employed. Never would he do that to himself, he swore. That was not the life he could see for himself. Instead- he wanted to make sure he could generate the deposit that would be needed to buy himself a flat. He knew he was great with numbers and had always had a little knack for investments.

So with his business degree in tow, he thought he’d have a go at the market.

After a couple of fairly non-committal psychotherapy appointments (that were carried out to tick a box and purely because his family had insisted), Jonathan decided that he did not need any therapy that he knew what he was doing and that he was fine.

A few years went by and suddenly Jonathan re-emerged in therapy.

This time he was serious about therapy and had come to his own conclusions. He did actually have a problem, and he was prepared to work on it.

He told me that after our previous round of sessions, he had made quite a bit of money from investments. In his mind had been off to a great start with his deposit saving and had been hell-bent on continuing to ‘save’ through further betting. With non-stop trades and increasing risks, it was only a matter of time before he watched his accounts hit zero. His thinking at that point went ‘if I could get all that this fast- watch me now…’ and before long every single penny and a few small business loans from the bank had all gone up in smoke too. The devastation at that point was very real. Not only had he just blown every penny that was meant to enable him to move out, but it was also starting to stand clear to him that his ‘career’ as a trader was not happening. Gradually, he was beginning to properly hear what everyone around him had been saying for ages… He had a problem and unless he did something about it- it was only going to get worse.

When the penny finally drops

During one of those terrible days when he was making a budget for how to repay his parents, he had a small moment of awakening.

He realised that it didn’t matter that he had at some point made money quicker. It didn’t matter that he had ‘thought’ he was going to get richer than his friends and that their jobs were lame and boring. At the end of the day - his friends now had more money and financial stability than he could even begin to dream of. They also had their self-esteem intact and not years ahead of repayments to battle with.

That was the turning point for Jonathan who then worked on his recovery for nearly a year and has not had a bet since 2019.

What causes the gambler to come out of denial?

This must be the million-dollar question for each gambler and their family members.

Was it that one time you told him/her that you would leave?

Was it the fact he/she lost the money?

You may also be wondering whether this time his ‘awakening’ from the coma of denial will be long-lasting.

These questions don’t have one simple answer. Rather, it is quite a lot of factors coming together to create a situation where the felt pain of hanging on to gambling is so much more painful than the hardship of entering recovery (and having to face the tremendous losses and damages caused) Now without the ‘dimming’ effects of denial or the trying to resort to the avoidance strategy of more gambling.

In my opinion, the way to get there is through increased self-awareness, increased acceptance and at the final hurdle; a total surrender.

The gambler needs to accept that gambling can never ever help their situation for the better and that whatever gambling may have done for them- it will never do the same if things continue. Their relationship with gambling has turned utterly toxic and there is no way back from this other than to quit. At the very minimum, the gambling should be reduced as much as possible.

They also need to accept that any cravings to return are part and parcel of addiction, and not a sign that they are ‘doing better at gambling’ or in any way have changed in terms of their ability to control themselves while making bets.

Does rock-bottom have to be reached for recovery to start?

I am aware that my opinion here might be met with backlash from some people, but I am still going to maintain what I believe in. From my experience, hitting ‘rock bottom’ is not a necessary criterion for entering treatment, making improvements to one’s addiction or for a person to realise that they have a problem. I am not saying this with no evidence to back it up. There are plenty of gamblers that I have seen through treatment over the years who were able to put a stop to their gambling way before anything that could be equated to a rock bottom experience was reached. What is necessary, however, is that THEY have found that they have a problem and additionally; that they wish to change. Before that time is reached, it has cost many a family member grey hair, sweat and tears trying to drag a kicking and screaming gambler into a treatment that they did not think they needed. It is a truly heart-wrenching venture to watch someone who so blatantly needs help but appears to be blind to it. If you are in this position, it is important that you realise your limitations immediately. You can drag a horse to water- but you cannot make him drink. I know this is not what any loved one wants to hear about a partner/child/sibling etc in a state of self-destruction and crisis. But without accepting this truth you are risking your own sanity, as well as any other people depending on you for support.

Rock bottom is a subjective experience

I think I have used this example in a previous blog, but it is so illustrative that I won’t shy away from using it again. When I used to run gambling groups for the homeless it was not unusual to hear the members of the group exclaim that they would stop gambling when they hit rock bottom. I loved that group and the people that attended. But forgive me for saying - if living hand to mouth and without a roof over your head does not create a feeling of ‘rock bottom’ - then what does?

Denial is a defence mechanism. Our brains will automatically resort to denial during certain circumstances. If something is too painful to process, denial is a powerful way of keeping the painful trigger at bay. Denial of how the addiction is actually affecting the gambler and their loved ones tends to be a hallmark of the addiction itself. It is a state that enables gambling to continue, even when the damage is vast. So if you know your loved one as a ‘generally good person’, yet you cannot understand how on earth they are able to act with such cruelty and ignorance when gambling- it is important to know that you are dealing with their denial and addiction. It does not mean they have turned evil or are heartless.

It also does not mean that they no longer love you or care how you feel.

What it does mean though, is that they are badly affected by addiction and that this problem will affect them too unless precautions are taken. It is a truly frustrating experience to deal with a person who is addicted and in denial. What you need to know as a loved one, is that nothing that you say is going to go through at this time. Most likely, the best you can do is to drip-feed info about addiction and treatment options, secure your accounts and stop helping with bailouts or other forms of removing consequences. You should also take whatever steps you need to take to ensure that you remain emotionally strong and healthy.

(Whether you leave or not is a personal choice and depends on a range of factors that I will cover in the next post in this series).

The route out of denial is not straight or fast - it is usually wiggly and slow

Wouldn’t it be nice if a gambler who has once realised that they have a problem never ever had to return to a place of doubt or denial about whether their gambling constitutes a problem? This, I am afraid to say, is wishful thinking. The reality of recovery is that the gambler tends to nip in and out of denial even far beyond the point of quitting. Whilst it may not look the same as earlier- you can still see traces of it reoccurring. Before any level of acceptance has been reached, you might be dealing with outright denial. It will appear as if your gambling-addicted family member has their head firmly buried in the sand and has turned blind to all consequences of their behaviours. He/She might appear extremely reluctant (if not defensive) and maintain that they do not have a problem when everyone around them can see that this is the case.

Once a corner of insight has been turned, and the addiction has been acknowledged- most gamblers do not return to ‘full denial’. You do however see ‘partial’ denial during moments of craving, during a relapse and perhaps just after a gambling episode that shouldn’t have taken place. The pain is great, hence the defences run high.

Normally, this is passing and you can probably expect that at least they will return to wanting to quit again once they have reached that point.

Denial in them breeds denial in you

One of the things I have frequently observed is that the gamblers’ denial, whilst often raging, also starts generating a mirror response in loved ones.

I hear many family members say things like…

‘' but he said he had stopped, I cannot believe he would do this….’

‘but what can I do to get them to stop’

‘there must be a way, I refuse to accept that they cannot see they are unwell’

‘so what do I do if they keep gambling… they just can’t do that after what they put me through already’

Harsh to hear- I know and please know that I am not dismissing the pain. It is of course heartbreaking to keep being told that they are going to stop, only to then discover that yet another lie was told or another month of living on the breadline lies ahead for the family.

Still, it does not change the fact that denial is a bit infectious. The more you are both in denial - the worse the situation is likely to become.

It is like an OCD family with the patient struggling can’t stop washing their hands, and the family members try to wash theirs excessively too in order to ‘appease’ the sufferer. They hope and pray that the OCD patient will calm down and understand that there is no danger of infection. Those family members are working towards an arbitrary emotional goal and meanwhile reinforcing a very dysfunctional behaviour. Similarly, gamblers’ family members often get preoccupied with bailouts, budgeting, repayments to the bank and a range of other well-intended gestures to help the gambler out. None of this will work particularly well before the gambler has learnt to take responsibility for recovery. Until then it will constitute enabling.

If later down the line the gambler themself own their problem, there can sometimes be a place for some help and support with certain bits. However not while denial is still running high! You will be pouring energy and effort down the drain.

It is genuinely impossible to understand how someone can cause themselves and their loved ones so much pain, yet keep doing what they are doing. It is critical that you get your head around the fact that this IS exactly what addiction is. It is not logical. It makes no sense at all. Similarly to how it makes no sense that a depressed person resorts to days on the sofa in isolation to ‘feel better’, it makes no sense that the addicted gambler goes for more gambling to relieve their addiction. Still; this is precisely what happens. It is very much part of the problem. The amount of damage that addiction causes to people around the addict themselves is what often contributes further to the stigma of this particular mental health problem.

What can you do until the day they come out of denial?

Rather than you taking over any part of the responsibility for them to change, or starting to ascribe yourself powers of control over things you cannot possibly control - here is what you need to focus on:

• Keeping yourself and your finances safe

• Having tight boundaries and clarity on how much you are willing to endure before you cannot take any more

• Reduce your feeling of being out of control by not getting overly involved in checking behaviours, micromanaging and monitoring. Remember, for their recovery to work they have to learn to be accountable to their own recovery process. The more of that responsibility you pick up, the less they take.

• Providing information and guidance is fine - within reason. But it has to be done without expecting a particular outcome. I find that many family members get caught up in ‘giving to get’. I completely understand that you are desperate for them to quit for millions of different reasons. The problem with, for example, giving info about avenues for treatment only to suddenly turn around and demand that they engage ‘or else’, is that it breeds distrust. Yes- I know they started the cycle of distrust by engaging in their addiction but two wrongs do not make a right! You have to wise up to this or else any attempts that you launch that try to nudge them onto a healthy pathway will be met by further contempt and rebellious behaviours. It will feel to them as though the recovery is for you and you only. I know it doesn’t make much sense but such is their reluctance to admit that they need to quit. As long as they feel that way I can promise you that treatment won’t work well anyway.

• Boundaries and communication: At all times you are allowed to communicate where YOU are going to draw the line, but I would advise caution about telling them what they should be doing or not doing. Communicating your feelings and thoughts ensures you model accountability for your inner world and also prevents blame and shame from being part of the interactions. You are simply leaving them with the ‘knowing’ that you are feeling hurt and upset. This is a more powerful ‘intervention’ than you asserting your disgust at their behaviour daily. Twisted as it is, I can assure you that it will do the opposite job even if your feelings are fully justified. If you are on the other hand approaching the line you are prepared to walk away from them unless they change. You may then wish to communicate this with clarity. But then you also need to follow through or else your words will start losing their meaning.

The bottom line of this post is:

Their inability to see what they are doing has nothing to do with you. you can only pinpoint where your boundaries lie and focus on personal safety in terms of emotional well-being and finances. The catalyst for change happens within them, at their timing. You can provide loving support, information guidance and firm boundaries. Beyond that, there is little you can do to affect their willingness to start recovery.

If you are struggling a lot yourself, I strongly suggest that you try and find your own support. You mustn’t dismiss or invalidate your pain in dealing with the situation. This can sometimes happen since you might find yourself making them the main focus of your attention.

You have to preserve your emotional stability at all costs- with or without them.

Individual therapy or GAMANON are good options for support.