How to quit gambling and start rebuilding your future
Image by By Yury Zap. Shutterstock.
For those of you who have followed the blog for a while- this blog post will feature some rehashing from old posts. Many new readers come on to the site all the time, trying to find information or words of encouragement that can help them stop their destruction. For you seasoned readers, some revision of the most important steps to take will probably not hurt. This post summarises the TRULY important steps that gamblers should focus on when giving up their gambling. It will cover the first steps that are needed to quit- but also something far more inspiring. How to start the journey of building up what has been lost. Please note that there is more to the story than can be covered in a blog post. Addressing emotional wounds, self-regulation, problem solving and various other persisting vulnerabilities are all important to include in recovery - but you cannot do it all at once. This post outlines the practical steps that can help you get off to a good start in your recovery.
The end of the road with gambling
By the point you have come to the end of the road with your gambling, you are likely to feel pretty low. There is a sense of defeat that relates to the fact that you never kept a single penny, despite having had so strong hopes and beliefs about the likelihood of this happening. Additionally, you feel low about the enormous amounts of time, energy, and emotion that has gone to waste in this ‘journey’- often without having anything good whatsoever to show for it. Nobody will feel good about this. If there was a comfort, it is the fact that you are feeling it. It shows that your behaviour as of late has been incongruent with how you would like to live your life and that you need to change something to align your behaviour with your underlying values.
That said, it is important to accept that gambling has filled a myriad of functions for you, but also that it has filled none of them very well.
You’ve been beating a dead horse until it’s almost waking up from the dead to beg for mercy. The sheer repetition of your little behaviour-loop goes:
..hopes—-excitement——gambling—-loss—devastation —cover up my feelings with more gambling—-and then repeat.
This leads to utter devastation and also makes people feel as though they are going insane.
You might wonder how any person in their right frame of mind could be stupid enough to repeat the same compulsion again and again without ever waking up to the facts. You get angry and start engaging in the most hostile of self-directed criticism and you finally feel so worthless that you see no other solution than to hit the ‘F..xxx-it button’ and have another go.
Please stop right here and listen very carefully…
You are losing perspective
One of the things that gamblers fail to recognize when they are stuck in the chase, is the bigger picture and the longer-term consequences of their current actions. The enhanced emotional states (be them good or bad) paired with the incessant drive to keep winning money back makes for a truly myopic perspective. Yes, you might know the true facts already on some theoretical level. But knowing something theoretically and emotionally are two very different things. When the discrepancy between the two ways of ‘knowing’ is too great, and you are hi-jacked by intense emotions; there is often no ‘right’ thinking in the universe that appears to be able to shift the feeling. In that particular moment, the thoughts you might be trying to apply are just not lining up with how you feel hence it is as though they won’t ‘stick’.
At this point, your focus needs to be on taking ACTION. As far as the thoughts go, you will be better off just acknowledging that your thoughts are entirely irrational for now, and are an attempt by your brain to find a state of homeostasis. There is no need for you to get into the ‘debate’ - just allow the mind-chatter to do its thing while you focus on taking action instead.
A bit like a drug addict will be unlikely to decide to call it quits in the middle of a high- you are definitely not going to come up with your best ever reasoning in a state of a ‘chase’ - despite the fact that you feel you might . You have to put mind over matter and act very fast before you do even more damage to accounts, relationships, and yourself.
Here are some steps you need to take to stop immediately:
# Make a firm decision to quit when you are rational, based on the conclusion that gambling is not ever going to help you make money, or sort out any of your problems. Ever.
In times of struggle, it is often tempting to jump on the thought that gambling could be a salvage. In some ways, your repeated acts of gambling have ‘taught’ the emotional part of your brain that gambling is a reasonable response to emotional crisis, cravings, and states of boredom. This faulty programming has come about as a result of the deluding short-term emotional effects of gambling. Since these effects are experienced as positive, the emotional brain will ‘take note’ of this behaviour as one worth returning to. The short-term emotional effects of gambling are often more evident in the early days of gambling. Over time, they tend to be so short-lived that they are barely noticeable, which often raises the question I hear in therapy ‘I now hate gambling - so why do I keep going back…?’ The trouble is, despite not noticing it, for each repetition, you are strengthening a neural pathway that is becoming increasingly automated. This part of our brain simply does not have the intelligence to understand which automated habits are useful vs not useful for us. Your brain thinks it’s being helpful by creating a loop that enables you to pursue gambling without much conscious processing. It does not have the ability to learn from the experiences that you are having the following day, next week, or in the future. For the emotional brain to create a new habit, it needs to experience something different. In this case, life without gambling.
The longer-term consequences of gambling have nothing good to offer you. Your emotional brain may well be hooked and fully operate as if gambling is ‘helpful’- but your rational brain knows better. This is why you feel in deep conflict. Many gamblers report feeling as if they are ‘going insane’ or ‘have two minds’. Understandably, it is strenuous and confusing to feel like there is a tug of war in the mind. A better way to relate to this experience is to understand that the conflict arises because YOU, at your core, knows that gambling is not doing you good. It also means that we cannot wait for any level of agreement between the brain parts involved. You have to act on the logic at this point!
In order for you to stop gambling - it is necessary that YOU accept that while gambling can be a recreational hobby or innocent thrill for some- this is not the role that it has played for you. Until you can start getting honest about the level of disruption gambling is causing you - trust that it is going to be harder for you to stay motivated beyond the first few days of abstinence. Your recovery is hinging on your ability to accept that you need to quit. Denial will be running strong at this point, but a gambler in conflict about whether they should stop or not- should always stop in my opinion. It is in itself symptomatic of a problem ( or at least one arising).
# Just stop. Feel the relief of just making this decision right now.
I know that the timing won’t feel right. It never will. At any point in time, there will be the question of whether or not continuing would have made it possible to repay some of the losses. Whether you could have regained control over your strategy to win more back and considering the many points where you should have cashed out. There is one thing only to bank on here (literally) - you are not fit to continue with this activity. Your relationship with gambling has proven to do little but damage your life despite the many fun moments and possible functions it has provided in the past.
In order to get yourself to take this step, it might help to remember the many hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of people that have come to this place in their journey before you. It was the same for them. They all felt like you are feeling. Most of them did not think it was the ‘right’ time to stop. Those are the same people who, if they did quit, will now be swearing that a life with no gambling is many million times better in every single way.
The reluctance to take the first steps reminds me a bit of when I have treated clients with anorexia. Regardless of whether these sufferers are so skinny that hospitalization is the next stop, the idea that they could feel better if they gained some weight and got back on track mentally is just unbelievable to them. Faced with the choice of dying from malnourishment or gaining weight (but with the yet unknown feelings that might come from having a few more pounds of weight on) they might still feel reluctant to eat. The familiar feeling of being ‘in control’ and continuing with restricted eating feels more natural and ‘safe’. Changing the relationship to something healthier on the other hand feels like taking a risk.
It is, just like for sufferers of anorexia, absolutely vital that you realize that your mind is ill and that you are not in a fit place to use emotion as a way to determine whether to quit or not. Taking the first step requires you to take a leap of faith - and trust that things will get better for it. Just like we cannot use our feelings to determine when we have had enough during a drinking episode, you cannot use your emotions to alert you that gambling needs to stop.
Using your feelings to make decisions in the addictive process is never a good idea. Instead- put your trust in loved ones, professionals, and by all means the data/research. If all sources speak the same language- it is time that you choose to listen. If you don’t want to listen, make sure you tally up your accounts with precision. You will definitely not benefit from a continued streak of gambling. This is one of the few guarantees I can give you.
Make a contract with yourself to quit. Write down all the ways that gambling has hurt you and those you love. In your contract, you can also acknowledge that your mind will be playing tricks on you- but you are committing not to fall for them.
The money restrictions and self-exclusions are your next logical step in supporting abstinence even at times when your inner conflict runs wild. I would recommend using writing as a way of keeping yourself accountable. The very act of putting pen to paper tends to make things feel more real. You are DOING something - and the brain learns better that way.
The familiar words ‘You cannot think your way out of addiction’ ring true here. Action speaks louder always.
‘# Attend to the money restrictions & self-exclusion from gambling sites/venues
But..but….I am so motivated that I don’t need to have any of those restrictions. Besides, if I wanted to gamble- I will still find a way so why bother.. ‘
The above arguments are ones that I have heard more times than I can count.
This is where I risk sounding like a mega-scratched record; But…If you have not read earlier blog posts I would still recommend that you go back over this one here.
It is not enough to be aware that you have an addiction and have lost all control over your gambling. You also need to ACT on this knowledge. This means; acting with the underlying understanding that your engagement with gambling is not controllable with willpower alone. You will need to back yourself up! The best way to do so is to make it as difficult as you possibly can for you to gamble. Create so many barriers that the thought of doing it is at least muddled with the knowledge that you will jump through loads of hoops to get to it. This is the Antabuse of gambling addiction! With no restrictions in place, you leave yourself extremely vulnerable for any small fluctuation in motivation to affect your abstinence. Yes, I am of course aware that you could still gamble if you really set your mind to it- but I am even more aware that gamblers constantly underestimate how useful this intervention is. At least you owe it to yourself to try it.
start rebuilding straight away
A common trap that many of you will recognize, is the feeling of major disillusionment just after quitting. Having managed to stop- there is usually an expectation that one’s feelings should automatically change for the better. Instead, rather than feeling elated, and happy for your accomplishment, you are now faced with a powerful reality slap! As you remove the emotional band-aid that previously has been provided by gambling, you suddenly will start to notice the emotional pain underlying your addiction. On top of that, you may be broke, and be facing the destruction to relationships and other areas to your life. For many gamblers, this intensely negative experience is enough to prompt a return to more gambling.
This is why you need to plan for some very swift action steps when calling it quits with gambling. There are many areas that require attention. The most common- and urgent- ones are:
Relationships including the relationship you hold with yourself
Financial matters
Routine
Balance
Do note that this list is in no way covering all the areas that may require attention during recovery, but these are often good ones to focus on first. They are a also a little more practical in nature which helps. In the begininng after giving up you might simply find it too hard to focus internally on thoughts and feelings, let alone any underlying vulnerabilities that lead you to gambling to start with.
Let’s take a look at the areas listed above individually:
RELATIONSHIPS; compassion, consistency and honesty - with yourself and others
Most addicted gamblers feel extremely overwhelmed when the gravity of the damage their gambling has caused. Feelings of shame, regret, and complete despair are common, and you might be doubting that these feelings will ever change. One of the most important things to do at this stage is to allow yourself to take one thing at the time - but without becoming passive and resorting to inaction. Whether you feel like it or not- this is also a time for being kind towards yourself.
Without your own support and patience, you will find that you will knock yourself right back to a position where gambling feels like the only escape from the pain you keep inflicting! You MUST accept that what’s done is done and allow yourself a chance to move forwards. This has to happen in spite of some very understandable and challenging emotions. If it is of any help, try to gear your attention towards taking action at this point. Inaction is a slippery slope this early on in your recovery and having too much time will more than likely result in self-destruction; both at the level of thought and behaviour.
Inaction would look like this: Not doing anything at all, avoiding people out of shame, dodging calls and messages as well as refusing to address problems or run from responsibilities. It could also be triggered by victimization and self-pity. Watch out for this one as it often generates powerful rationalizations for continuing to do nothing about a problem.
Action while taking one day at a time looks like this: Committing to small acts of change. Little but often!
Stay accountable, acknowledge any pain caused and remain open to other peoples’ experience of what has happened. People might be furious with you, but do not forget that they too are emotional at this point. You cannot undo the past. Even they know this. The only thing you have control over is your actions and your commitment to change going forward. Take small but consistent steps towards changing your behaviour pattenrs. It is important to reward yourself for doing so and trust that in due course other peoples’ views of you will start to change too. If it doesn’t - the sad truth is that you couldnt have changed their mind anyway.
One of the sad realities of gambling addiction is that it can break families up and alienate the addict from people who they genuinly love and care for. There is no way to guarantee you that this cannot happen. What I can say though, is that being proactive in your efforts to combat your addiction and show up responsibly for people you have let down is always worth the effort!
Be honest, be consistent and be patient. Try to understand that you will not be able to create a clean slate overnight. Repairing relationships from damage can take a long time. Do not approach this with a ‘gambler’s impatience’ and hope that instant gratification will follow; instead, try to give people a chance to feel and express themselves and their pain too. This is part of the journey of recovery for them.
Imbalance: Getting away from doing everything in excess or not at all
Creating a routine is an absolute criterion in addiction recovery. Not having one is a bit like trying to hand in an essay two weeks before the deadline. Knowing that you don’t have to do something, means you won’t do it. We all need some structure and a level of pressure to get things done in life. How much can vary tremendously, but most people need enough routine to have a basic structure for how to approach each day. Many of you may have struggled with your addictions for long times, which usually means that routines are non-existent or very chaotic. Regardless of what you have done to date, it is useful to know that you must sit down and construct a bit of a plan for how you conduct your days.
Balance & variation
If one area only; say gambling or work have been too big a part of your life- make sure that you now also make room for relationships, hobbies, friends, recreation- and ideally some support. If on the other hand, you are not doing anything that makes you feel useful or achieved, you might want to think about activities that can provide a sense of stimulation, growth and community. Balance has a very central position in recovery. Effectively anything you do too much of can start creating problems in life. The key is to learn to do things in moderation and not at the expense of other activities or people. This does not come one bit naturally for most gamblers who are often intense people with a tendency towards obsessional engagement with activities they enjoy. It does not mean however that balance cannot be achieved. I often use a pie chart with my clients to illustrate the different ‘pieces of the pie’ that you can try to include after the departure of gambling - the biggest ex-slice of them all.
Rebuilding finances & possibly starting to save money
This one is a bit controversial for many gamblers, and even more so for their loved ones. I find that many gamblers experience guilt at the mere thought of traying to save money. Similarly, spending even a small amount on themselves seems to be problematic. Sadly, the continued dismissal of your needs is not going to create healthy conditions for your recovery. Meanwhile, the same money that you have denied yourself as savings or simply as an investment into yourself and your wellbeing - is going down the drain if you gamble with it. If you don’t look after yourself, you are more likely to fall prey for gambling. Overspending on yourself in the name of recovery- is very likely going to upset others and make you appear selfish. Striking this balance right is not easy at all.
It is important to note that the amounts of money someone has spent on gambling, is not reliable as an indicator of someone’s level of addiction. On the other hand, the individual’s attachment to money can have a lot of relevance in gambling addiction. The money often represents something other than just the money itself- and when that is the case, the chase to get any losses back tends to get even more intense. It may for instance represent security, power, independence and or success. Even very small amounts of losses can create powerful feelings of defeat and/or trigger an urge to want to chase more. The idea of starting to build capital tends to feel morally wrong as long as debts remain unpaid. Whilst I do respect this, I also have noticed that the attachment to money sometimes is so strong that just a few weeks of self-neglect and handing over of money for all things necessary - is often enough to trigger a splurge of gambling again. Wouldn’t it be nicer to just save a few pounds here and there to appease the part of you that so wishes to see money build up again? If you feel that it would (and it is possible) then take careful steps to set yourself up with an ISA or other account that completely disallows you from making short-term withdrawals. Some people may even choose to save in a trusted other’s account. You want to go for an account that has at least a couple of days withdrawal notice period. This eliminates the risk of making impulsive withdrawals and gives you time to back yourself up (by for example having a loved one or trusted other supervise) should you at any point be required to take your money out again.
Ideally, do save in a form that enables you to actually ‘view’ the savings frequently. For example via an app. This is a very empowering process and one that can go quite far in repairing a feeling of hopelessness around money. It can create a sense of stability and hope for a better future. It can bring back a feeling of having some control over yourself and rewarding the fact that not spending it - is a much more stable way of watching money grow.
Take the money out of the equation, it reinforces the method of recovery being one of slow and steady steps rather than risky and inconsistent behaviours.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery
Annika X