Gambling addiction & suicide: What to do when gambling makes you want to end your life?

GAMBLING ADDICTIONsuicide
Written By annika lindberg

Happy new year to all my readers. The beginning of a new year might seem like a strange timing for writing about such a heavy topic- but I figured it was absolutely the right time. It is January, it is dark and gloomy and we have had nearly two years of a pandemic that has added yet another layer of difficulty to those already struggling with mental health problems. 

So I figured it is about time that I write something for all of you out there – and there are far too many – for whom gambling has taken so much away from you that you no longer can see a reason to continue. 

The shame, the regrets, the pain and the disgust you feel about yourself has brought you to a point where you simply cannot see a way out. You might argue that everybody, including you, would be better off without you. the truth is that your feelings are now a reflection of many layers of pain. It feels difficult to think that you should have to bear this pain any longer or that you would have to continue to exist with feelings of shame and guilt. They are wildly unpleasant.

In my 18 years of working with gamblers, I have seen countless suicidal men and women who wanted nothing but good for their family members but ended up in the hole with gambling. Not one time however have I heard a loved one suggest that the gambler being gone for good- dead in fact- would be a desirable solution. Your life is precious regardless of what has happened up until now, and at any moment in our life we are given a new opportunity to change things around.

Make the decision right now that things will have to change- and that you will have to live to be in charge of those changes! many people have been here before you and those that made it through will tell you that it was worth it to keep trying. it is always worth it, even if your cannot feel it right now.

Like sitting at the bottom of a well that held so much promise for fresh spring water but instead of getting your bottle filled you got lured to look too deep into it, fell in the hole and now there is no ladder to climb out. A real trap! Above the well, everyone else is going about their lives and cannot see the pain you are in. Nor can they understand you. As far as they are concerned (if they even know about your gambling) – you should have stopped before the money ran out. Some people close to you may say you should have taken into account the harm it was doing to them - and by their logical computation; you should then have stopped. 

Only – gambling addiction is not a logical condition or a choice that people make. It is the total opposite to that. Gambling addiction for the gambler themselves is like having a micro-chip inserted into the brain and putting the controls in the hand of the devil. 

Whenever the gambling devil wants to, ‘it’ will steer you in the direction of the next open bookmaker or towards online sources of gambling. This will happen entirely at the discretion of the devil as well to make matters worse. Could be on a day when things are going nicely and the gambler feels great and ‘celebratory’ at which point some gambling will ensure that the joy comes to a quick end. It could also be on a bad day.

Even those times when you yourself believed that you were done for good with gambling, the little devil still manages to sneak its way back - often under the cloak of innocence where it pretends to be assisting you with a difficult feeling. It will then whisper sneaky little messages into your brain that permits you to go off and have a couple of bets. But before long, you are left bereft again wondering what on earth happened to you. 

So how COULD you continue to live like this you might wonder? 

First, I would like to tell you that your feelings are understandable. The loss of power, the lack of control over your own brain, your behaviour and the consequences of such are really significant and extremely hard to bear. To lose one’s pride, autonomy, money, family, jobs etc is not something that most people would take well to so credit to you if you are still standing and mustering up the energy to read this piece. 

There are however some things you need to get aware of at this point when your feelings of sheer desperation and entrapment are threatening to push you quite literally over the edge. 

The first one of those is that we are NOT our feelings. In fact, we are ALWAYS bigger than our feelings. They get created inside of us and in spite of making us feel as though they possess us at times- YOU are still the master of them. Not the other way around. So don't allow those feelings to fool you with their 'seductive' promise of ending the pain. Remember that feelings are not talking to us from a place of logic and foresight a lot of the time. They are quick to fire up but can equally be soothed. The minute that you confuse you with your distressed state of mind- the mind will sound something like this

‘see- if I feel like this - life will never be worthwhile anyway so what’s the point…?’

‘if they find out what I’ve done they will never forgive me. I can’t live with this amount of shame- have to make it stop’

Does this mean that you should listen in and act accordingly? NO! Absolutely not. Our feelings, just like physical sensations, changes constantly. They wax and wane and they grown and shrink in intensity.

Staying safe

  1. Tying oneself to the mast - (not literally!) but like Odysseus did

 Did you not read the story of Odysseus? Although I do tend to be wordy, I am not going to bore you with the entire story. But read this summary from Wikipedia to understand the relevance to your current state: 

 The term refers to the pact that Ulysses (Greek name Ὀδυσσεύς, Odysseus) made with his men as they approached the Sirens with their ship. Ulysses wanted to hear the Sirens' song although he knew that doing so would render him incapable of rational thought. He put wax in his men's ears so that they could not hear and had them tie him to the mast so that he could not jump into the sea. He ordered them not to change course under any circumstances and to keep their swords upon him and to attack him if he should break free of his bonds.

Upon hearing the Sirens' song, Ulysses was driven temporarily insane and struggled with all of his might to break free so that he might join the Sirens, which would have meant his death. However, his men kept their promise and refused to release him.

Source: Wikipedia 

 So before you continue reading: do like good old Odysseus; Keep yourself safe and make sure that you create some solid barriers between yourself and anything that can increase the chances of causing harm to yourself. 

  • If you are at immediate risk of hurting yourself; Seek emergency help immediately. Call 112, request an ambulance and possibly also the police. Do whatever it takes if you think you are about to do something stupid to yourself.

    Is calling an ambulance or turning up at the emergency services to ‘extreme’? No! Nothing is too dramatic or ‘over the top’ if there is otherwise a risk of you coming to harm. You rarely hear people after a car crash or similar arise from the wreckage questioning ‘would it be alright for me to call an ambulance?’ They just do. Or someone else does it for them. Just because the pain you are experiencing is emotional, it is easy to end up stigmatising yourself and think that your problem is not 'legit'. Likewise, other people might sometimes do it to you. Don’t hide in isolation with your pain regardless. I find that the minute the silence is broken around the hard-to-bear feelings of suicidality, they often tone down quite a bit. The isolation definitely does make things worse!! The loneliness causes a real vacuum for them where they can grow undisturbed. This is not what you want, so make sure that you let in some air and light. Make your inner environment less pleasant for those sorts of feelings to grow. This is done by sharing and airing your feelings!

    2. Make it impossible to act on any distorted feelings or urges.

    Remove any sharp objects, any means of self-harm, any crazy ideas of hurting yourself that you’ve ever had (and only you will know what they are) ensure that you tell someone fast if you do not feel fit to pursue acts of safety alone. Take yourself to the A&E / Emergency room or the equivalent in the country where you live.

    3. Share your feelings with someone

    Feelings that get shared with others tend to lose a little bit of the power they hold over us immediately. When you meet with people for the first time in therapy you often hear people exclaim ‘Wow…..even just having told someone this makes me feel lighter/better/less desperate etc’. 

    And it is not that I am so special. The act of talking to someone else If you are in severe distress can really be powerful. So unless you are in danger of hurting yourself but still feel desperate- you might prefer to call a helpline and talk to someone who can offer a non-judgmental stance to your situation. This can be a lifeline for many and can feel like a first step to changing a difficult situation.  If it is easier, you might want to get into safety away from your home by for example at a friend’s or family member’s house. This should not just be an intervention for the moment when you feel suicidal. Rather, if suicidal thoughts are something that occurs from time to time, you should take this step to ensure that you never find yourself in a situation with too many options for hurting yourself for a later time when you feel more vulnerable. This strategy is very similar to how you have most likely tried to eliminate your access to money and gambling venues just in case you start having thoughts or impulses about gambling. Since we cannot trust the mind to never generate suicidal thoughts again- we have to ensure that we can trust that your possibilities of acting on such thoughts are kept low.  

    4. Distract your attention, get ‘out of your head’ and allow the feelings to settle by connecting with the present moment

    Once you have established safety, you can try to do something that will help diffuse the intense feelings. Here are a few examples:

  • Have a hot shower.

  • Listen to some of your favourite music.

  • Go for a brisk walk or jog.

  • Sit down in a coffee shop and have a nice cup of tea or coffee.

  • Eat a delicious meal.

  • Get into nature. 

     The idea that this would help may sound a bit oversimplified. Your feelings are not a banality that can be ‘cured’ by running to a coffee shop, going food shopping or hopping in the hot shower so why would I suggest such a thing? 

    Because the moment where desperation sets in, the feelings will feed off of the isolation, loneliness and the feelings of hopeless despair. Those feelings will fester far more by the time you have ample opportunity to sit around and focus on them. By changing stimuli temporarily you can deter your attention away from the feelings for a bit. Watching other people going about their business as normal, hot water on your skin, the sound of the wind in the trees…. Most sensory input at this point is going to be more neutral than your current inner state. Remember; you are not doing these things because you think they will remove the problem- but to get you into a better frame of mind so that you can think straight and be able to problem-solve and actually regain a motivation to get through your circumstances.

    Use as many senses as you can and really try to pay attention to all the safety cues around you. Notice your breath and try to breathe long controlled breaths. This will help engage your parasympathetic nervous system which is the part of our brain that is soothing and cools down the emotional storms. Really pay attention to whatever else you choose to do and even go as far as to label your impressions no matter how mundane or boring this may sound. The idea is that your emotional brain gets the message that there is no outer ‘crisis’ to respond to, and hence allow your feelings to settle. Without being one bit dismissive of your challenging situation, there is still no doubt that any situation will be better attended to when we are not in the midst of heightened emotions.

Inner conflict, shame and regret are signs that your brain and empathy is working well and that you are a person with a moral compass and good values. Not a sign that you should end your life! For every problem, there will be a solution, you just cannot see it right now.

Try to appreciate that the very fact that you are so upset now suggests that you are experiencing inner conflict. If you felt at ease in your suicidality, you would probably feel at ease. I frequently work with people in acute suicidal states and tend to point out that the very fact they are sitting in front of me sharing the facts of their suicidality with me already is a sign that there is a part of them that would prefer to live. That part may be ever so small – but it is there. And it can grow bigger and stronger. To be honest, even if you don’t feel that part at all right now, chances are that it is there.

You need to ‘defuse’ from the heavy feelings enough to notice that there are other feelings there too. If at the moment you are unable to access them, just take my word for it for now and await the culmination of the difficult ones. Sometimes when we can't see clearly ourselves it is important to trust the process of change. Try and keep the faith that change is always possible. 

5. Do not entertain the thoughts that tells you that suicide is an option.

Yes, the thoughts are there. You have reached rock bottom where all you want to do is to end the pain. However, this ‘willingness’ tend to still be based more on thoughts and feelings running havoc with your brain as opposed to this being a decision based on values or who you want to be. We are not our thoughts. As an example,  remember what happens once you entertain a gambling thought and engage with it as if it had something relevant to say to you.

Even to the point where gambling suddenly seems logical and perfectly permittable. In summary, it leads you straight down a hole. Suicidal thoughts can be equally ‘addictive’ in nature and can very easily hook people into thought spirals where the prospect of suicide seems perfectly reasonable. You are being led by your thoughts and feelings and it is critical that you allow time to calm down from the intensity of the emotion so that you can think straight about your situation yet again.  

You do not have to tackle everything right away!! It is ok to take one small step at a time.

Even if you cannot see the future it does not mean that it isn’t there.

 It is normal to feel as if you will never be able to get out of the hole- however note again that our feelings and thoughts are not facts. Yes, you won’t get out of your situation overnight. That is not how things work. But if you take determined steps to crawl out-you will come out and see the light of day again. If you cannot see the light yourself, imagine that someone is holding the torch for you for now. Soon you can hold it yourself but for now, you need to trust in something else.

Remember feelings change all the time. When you have a vomiting bug for instance, how likely does it feel that you will ever want to go to a buffet full of food again? Not at all. Yet a week on, there you are enjoying the goodies as if you never knew anything different. This is how feelings work too. You won’t forget why or how bad you felt, but you are able to feel differently. For now, it is about trusting in something you don’t genuinely trust and choosing to believe that things will be ok again. 

6. Be kind to yourself but try not to self-pity  

There is a big difference between being kind to oneself and feeling sorry for oneself. People frequently get these two mixed up.

  •  Self-compassion makes us feel cared for, comforted and accepted by ourselves. 

  • Self-pity increases a feeling of victimization and having been ‘wronged’. It can bring on intense feelings of sadness, loneliness and isolation. These then tend to spur on even more thoughts of failures and misfortunes. As you may be aware the feelings from that point can spiral very fast and make you feel stuck.

 

The feelings that arise from the latter are not comfortable or particularly constructive. Rather, they tend to keep people stuck in a rut and in a state of helplessness. It is important to feel that you have some agency over your situation and therefore it will pay off to practice using a friendly tone, kind words and to treat yourself as you would treat someone else who had a rough situation. Paradoxically those who are the harshest to themselves are often kind and pleasant to others. Now it is time to give yourself a bit of that acceptance and push yourself in a positive way. 

7. be as patient as a baby learning to walk

Picture a baby that is trying to walk for the first time. What do they do when they fall? Do they lie down and kick themselves for having fallen? Do they suggest giving up right then and there despite their umpteenth attempt that failed? No! Instead; they cry a bit, they feel frustrated and then they get up and try again. If only we adults could do this as naturally as they do it!

It is credits to their determination that it will finally happen. Remember you were once this baby. You do have that persistence in you. I say this jokingly but the very fact that you persisted that you would win at gambling is a form of persistence- but it got channelled through the wrong thing. Still, remember that anything you put your mind to can eventually happen if you try hard, practice often and just decide to keep going! 

8. Opposite action for now. your negative feelings will need counter-acting.

The very hallmark of depression is the lack of purpose, the loss of motivation and the inability to see anything other than a bleak future. Sadly, this creates a flawed filter through which you are currently appraising situations and looking at yourself. In order to get out of the funk, you will need to DO the opposite of what the feeling tells you to do. This is hard of course.

If your feelings tell you – ‘call nobody’ – then you should call somebody. If your feelings tell you to isolate- that is a prompt to get out a bit. Your feelings tell you that you may as well be dead- then write them off as thoughts that are arising as a result of your current situation and decide that you definitely need to take action to keep living. You will take constructive action to get through your situation and remain accountable, but will not follow through with such extreme commands. 

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Help resources for the United Kingdom:

If you have read this and you still feel terrible – please call one of the numbers below or get immediate help from the nearest hospital.  

Too many people lose their lives to gambling every year- make sure you stick around to tell your story and inspire those that will feel this way after you!! 

With all my love and best wishes for a better 2022!! 

Emergency help via 112 for an ambulance or go to the nearest A&E/Emergency room. During a visit you will likely be seen by a liaison Psychiatrist who may be able to prescribe some medication to help you cope with the intense feelings you are experiencing. They can also put you in contact with longer-term help and support as well as a crisis team.

If you are not at immediate risk of harming yourself you can Call 111 to access a free 24-hour NHS helpline that can help you access local services including GPs..

Other resources (for non emergency)

MIND Charity has published an extremely comprehensive guide for managing suicidality. You can find it here: 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

Additional resources for loved ones:

Gambling with lives: a charity set up by families and friends of young people who have committed suicide as a result of gambling addiction. Suicide | Gambling with Lives

 

If you are a reader and are aware of useful resources in your country please do not hesitate to send those to annika@headward.co.uk so that I can add them to the list**



 

 

 

annika lindberg
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