Long term gambling recovery: How to break the habits that underpin your addiction: LYING & CONCEALING
Before getting into the topic of today's blog post, I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all my readers for all your support, feedback and encouragement. I greatly appreciate all your emails, messages and tweets, and it makes me so happy when I read your comments. It warms my heart to know that my writing is helping people around the globe. This was always my intention, as it is frustrating to know you have a skill from which only very few people get to benefit.
Regrettably, it is still quite challenging to find the time to write as I must always prioritise my clients. However, I am working on a plan to scale down a bit on my clinical work which will free up more time so that I can produce more material!
In the meantime, and I say this jokingly and seriously at the same time, you might benefit from reading the same posts over and over again while you wait for a new one to come out!
There is no other time in therapy when I repeat myself more than when I treat people with addictions. It is not hard to see why. The level of compulsion experienced in addiction means that you will see the same negative behaviours getting repeated time and again. This happens even though you know they are causing harm. The loss of control is the very essence of addiction. For that reason, the idea of 'drumming in' the information through constant repetition of why and how to quit is not a bad one…
Why do some habits end up ‘setting the scene’ for gambling in the future?
The gambler within is like the ‘ringleader’ for troubles. I have previously spoken about how to starve this troublemaker out by taking away money and access to gambling venues.
What you have probably noticed in yourself, however, is that even at times when that ringleader is nowhere to be seen, there are several ‘little helpers’ in the form of other sneaky and bad habits that underpin your addiction.
These habits act a bit like a 'support structure' that keeps the addiction in place. Even when the actual gambling then stops, the support structure is still there like the roots of a stubborn type of weed all getting ready to sprout into trouble again…
These habits may not be terrible in their own right; however, when you look at the impact of those habits over time, you might be able to spot a pattern.
You break away from gambling yet continue with the habits that underpin it.
The result: You return to gambling again at a later date, look back, and realise that ending the gambling was not enough.
Long-term recovery = removing gambling + addressing your life
Long-term recovery involves a wide range of changes. Without overwhelming you, there will be very few areas of life that do not require attention when you go through recovery. This in itself is rarely a bad thing and should not be met with contempt. Working on, say, activity levels, emotion regulation, awareness, etc, constitute important work for self-growth in people with or without an addiction to manage.
The only difference is that for you it might be more urgent due to the risk of relapse that will otherwise ensue. The habits I will discuss in this series of posts are slightly different from the general work that you would be doing in a regular treatment program for gambling addiction. They are both related to your addiction but are also standalone habits for some people.
If left undealt with, they cause a ‘build-up’ of issues. A bit like cavities in your mouth that lead to eventual decay, these habits that are, at times, seemingly innocent, will lead to bigger problems down the line as they create inner tension and conflict…
The habits I will be covering also have particular relevance to the ‘gambling lifestyle’ because they are reinforced by gambling itself. In summary, they are both a contributing cause and an effect of gambling addiction. This is why they need to be tackled - and overcome.
When lying has become a daily habit
I can say with confidence that all addiction involves the act of lying.
The lies told have several critical functions (in a negative sense) when it comes to the maintenance of the addiction.
Lies are told to support the habit at times when denial is still running high, and you want your gambling to continue despite also knowing you should quit.
Lies are told to sneak away and gamble.
Lies are told to obtain money to fund the addiction: Sadly, this can take many expressions- a little depending on the level of creativity of the individual. For better or for worse, many gamblers are phenomenally creative! Not only might you find yourself omitting the truth when asked if you have done any betting lately, but you might also find yourself going to great lengths in the creation of your lies.
By the time the lies take the shape of storytelling, weirdly, I have noticed that for many of my clients that it seems to get easier instead of harder to keep them going! It is almost as though the story takes on a life of its own inside the head of the gambler. Many gamblers would definitely qualify for creative awards for the innovative and advanced lies that get manufactured. Creativity is actually a talent that you should put to good use in your long-term recovery, but we will have to come back to that at a different time. For now, we want to ensure that you stop telling lies to those whom you love and care about, and also in general terms.
Lies that serve no purpose at all but are now being told out of habit
Finally, lies are also being told for no reason other than it has now become a habit to lie about all sorts of things. I see gamblers lying about anything and everything…
Examples might be:
Lying about what you had for lunch or whether or not you went to the gym.
Lying about whether or not you post-marked a letter that someone is waiting to receive
‘Forgetting’ to tell people about your whereabouts or being deliberately vague just to ensure that during other times there are no expectations of more 'precise' information
Lying by omission - Having unnaturally and unnecessarily strict boundaries around your privacy and being ‘on guard’ when people ask you questions
These are not all the ways in which lying occurs, but they cover a substantial portion of them.
You might be wondering how telling someone you had a fresh salad for lunch instead of the juicy slice of pizza you actually downed would make any difference in your gambling recovery.
Let’s take a look at what happens and also reinforce some of the reasons why YOU MUST STOP TELLING LIES BE IT BIG OR SMALL ONES:
You end up normalising the act of lying all the time. Whilst each little lie may not matter in its own right, the point is that you get into the habit of lying. It becomes so second nature that you just lie all the time even when there is no reason for it. Lying creates tension. Whether the lies are impactful or not, by telling them you know on some level that you are not being truthful and authentic. At the end of the day, you will not successfully fool yourself. Yes, I must confess that I have seen many gamblers quite literally lying to the point where they believe their own stories. However, most people do know that there is a disconnect between reality and what they are telling people. As I am sure many of you know, gamblers are no different from regular people. Most do not have any bad intent nor do they WANT to hurt people or to be dishonest. In fact, it is often the very opposite. For that exact reason, lying means that you end up harming yourself too! You are sidestepping what you know in your heart to be your true nature while creating an image of yourself as someone quite comfortable with dishonesty. This simply is not helpful. The inner tension will increase pressure. The brain's response to that will be to reach for the well-trodden path of gambling as a form of release.
Lying hurts other people and creates distrust on every level. Even when you tell small lies, people will tend to notice. Lying will ultimately prevent you from ending the cycle of gambling. This is because we’ve already established that you are unlikely to feel proud of yourself when you do it. When you think of yourself with disdain and self-hatred, you will feel an inclination to do harm to yourself. On the reverse, when you tell the truth, although you may feel anxious and uncomfortable for a little while, when that moment passes, you will feel liberated and free. Being truthful also means that other peoples' critique or backlash gets to you less. What more can you do than tell the truth? It does not provide any further fuel for arguments. Even if it can still create disappointment, there is a much ‘cleaner’ feel to it knowing that you told it as it is. Long term, being honest makes you feel reliable, dependable and will assist you in shifting your image away from the devious, dishonest one that you may have created during your time stuck in addiction.
Case example: The man who pretended to be going to the gym
One lady I worked with a few years ago could not believe it when she discovered that her husband (who was an addicted gambler in recovery) had not been attending the gym classes he had been telling her about in so much detail. He had even gone through the hassle of leaving with an elaborately packed bag full of spandex wear each morning. WHY? Well, it had all started pretty innocently. One day he felt that he needed a bit of space after work. So, he thought he would create a gym routine. So far, his intent had been genuine. Only upon arriving at the gym did he realise that he did not actually need to go in there to get his space. So instead, he was hanging out in a nearby bar - not drinking anything other than tea, not gambling, just hanging out and relaxing. By the time the story of the gym membership had been invented, it became easier for him to keep using that story as a method to achieve his need for space after work. Yet he wouldn’t even stop at that. On his way home he would rub his cheeks to create that rosy post-workout look and would sometimes tell his wife in great detail about the different types of lifts and pushes he had done during his sessions.
From the outside looking in, it is not difficult to see that he created a problem that did not need to be there. The results were sadly quite significant. His wife suspected that he had gone back to gambling, which despite some near-misses, he had not actually done. She was beginning to wonder whether he was really the honest man he had once said he was, or if everything he ever told her was a lie. Naturally, she was also despairing at the thought of him being able to speak the truth about 'big things' if he needed to tell her fibs about getting a tea after work.
What could he have done instead and why didn’t he just do it?
This is not rocket science. Of course, he could have told the truth. The more relevant question is ‘why’ didn’t he? In his mind, several things were going on. He did not feel worthy of having that space. After all the pain his gambling had caused the family, who was he to ask for some space after work? He also felt that it would not ‘go down well.’ Yet, he really felt that he needed that time to decompress. The ideal solution would have been to express himself assertively, irrespective of the response! Yes, there will be times in life when the truth will hurt another person or when your needs will not be validated by your partner or in general. Does that mean we create a story to conceal our true needs? No!
One of the long-term requirements of living a life free from gambling will be the ability to be AUTHENTIC.
Being authentic will protect you in life.
When you are authentic you prevent build-up, tension and conflict. Since you are always truthful hence you don’t need to ‘keep track’ of the lies you told or the different masks you wore with different people. You are who you are, and other people will have to take it or leave it.
This may sound quite harsh for many gamblers who are so acutely aware of the hurt their behaviour has already caused. Sadly, when the only other option is to be inauthentic – you are setting yourself up…
Your recovery depends on your ability to be truthful with yourself. For that to be possible, it most certainly helps to start practising in such a way that supports your development and growth as a human being.
Part of that growth involves the unapologetic expression of your needs and wants. More painfully, it also involves having to accept the backlash from being honest about things you did that may not be appreciated. But if you learn to take that ‘fire’ at the level where you get reprimanded for forgetting to pick up the groceries and owning up in an honest responsible way, you are learning an important skill. You make a HABIT out of being honest and taking ownership of your actions, be they good or bad…
Reasons why you lie about things other than gambling
Below is a small list of common reasons that you may wish to explore if you are having a hard time identifying why you are continuing to be dishonest about random things. You will also find an action point for each that can prompt you into a healthier direction.
Lack of assertiveness skills: You find it difficult to own your truth or perhaps, to even stand up for your opinion. The lack of comfort with telling the truth can be more troublesome than people realise. You might outwardly agree with things you don’t actually agree with, and as a result create uncomfortable feelings of contempt, anxiety and/or feeling trapped.
Action point: Make honesty a rule. Commit to it and recognise that it is a criterion for living a life of authenticity. This is a habit that starts with the small things and from there you can build up. Gradually you will feel more comfortable and natural about telling people even the more difficult things about yourself.
Conflict avoidance: You might have been raised in a home where telling the truth did not result in positive reinforcement. If you were punished for telling the truth or come from a background where true expression led to an increase in backlash, then naturally you might have learned that going about your business while keeping people off your back is the way to go. In relationships, however, this will never be the truth and I would even go as far as to argue that this also rings true for the relationship you hold with yourself...
Action point: Try and Practice by taking the stand on tiny points and get used to sticking up for yourself calmly and assertively. Don't be dissuaded by the very uncomfortable feelings that will inevitably arise. If you feel that you are ‘shutting down’ against your own wishes during a conflict (a fairly common problem), then learn how to ask for a bit of extra time. This could sound something like this: ‘I am a bit overwhelmed and will have to take a few minutes to process what is going on. I will speak to you very soon.’ Do make sure you come back though as this is another way that the avoidance is otherwise building up to an explosion point…
Feeling low in worth and afraid of being rejected if you decide to be yourself. This heading deserves a book. We have talked a lot about lack of worth in the blog before, and it will always be an area of relevance in any form of psychological disturbance. Lying diminishes your sense of worth through a number of means. You are reinforcing an untruthful image of who you are and what you stand for; meaning you don’t stand a chance of growing in self-worth. You build up tension and unhappiness which will create a dangerous territory for any person with an addiction. Finally, you will also reinforce a cycle where people are unsure of who you really are and will very likely reject you for it, after which you will question yourself even more.
Action point: Learn how to identify your own needs and wants and how to express them gently and with tact. This is a big skill and one that needs a lot of practice, but equally a habit that you can begin practising straight away today!
Summary & Take-away:
- Lying is a bad habit that acts as a ‘support structure’ for gambling to return at any time. Make sure that you tackle it in and of itself!
- Learning how to be honest is harder than it might seem. It forces you to confront your true self on many levels and to own your views, actions and emotions. To think this step can be avoided in the process of recovery is, however, part of the deluded mindset that gambling provides. You will absolutely need to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. This will help YOU feel proud of who you are becoming and will also help you to become a more honest person to those around you.
With love Annika XX